Nothing has ever lived up to its name more completely.
It's not often I encounter a candy that genuinely surprises me. After all, this isn't a blog about botany or mammalian sex organs. At the end of the day, there's only so much you can expect from a piece of candy, being, as it is, neither 3 feet long nor prehensile.
So when I first bit into the Crunchie bar and discovered a sugary glass scaffold hidden beneath high quality chocolate, I was so surprised I nearly threw myself into a well. In fact, had there been a well nearby, I would have jumped into it without hesitation if I knew at the bottom of that well would be more Crunchie bars.
Lets set the stage: The year is 1929, global markets are collapsing, everything is in black and white, and food is pretty bland. You've just finished chewing on your favorite piece of shoe leather for several hours after a hard days work at the jalopy factory. Maybe today was particularly frustrating because you lost another fingertip and you only have a few of those left. For you, Joe Normal, life pretty much sucks.
So imagine what a reaffirming treasure it must have been for an everyday schmuck to indulge in a Crunchie bar. A chocolaty golden brick exploding with honey-butterscotch sweetness, with a texture unlike anything which occurs in the natural world. In fact, the word "explosion" is an understatement. For the virgin tongue, unacquainted with today's ubiquitous uber-sweetness, the Crunchie bar would have been a sugar holocaust - a veritable Tsar Bomba of saccharinity.
1928, ten miles above the Crunchie bar R&D facility in Paddlesworth, Kent.
The Crunchie bar was created by J.S. Fry & Sons, a company started by a Quaker in 1759, which merged with Cadbury in 1919 to become the "British Cocoa and Chocolate Company." The bar was, and remains, a great commercial success - in part because of it's market presence, bolstered in Australia, at least, by a commercial so popular it played, unchanged, for over 20 years.
However, the U.S., always the contrarian, has decided it wants nothing to do with global anti-discrimination laws or Crunchie bars. As a result, I spent roughly $762 on my Crunchie bar, which was probably imported from Poland. The question, which always comes to mind when I taste a delicious foreign candy, is why do American's hate themselves so much?
Here's a candy that has more character - whether you personally enjoy it or not - than almost any other candy bar on U.S. store shelves. It's different and warm, crunching into dust and then melting in your mouth. Here is a "chocolate" bar covered in actual chocolate - chocolate that doesn't even leave in your mouth the lingering essence of fecal matter! Yet we rejected it.
Not only did we reject the Crunchie bar, we may have rejected what could have been the greatest Crunchie bar variety on the face of the earth: A bourbon Crunchie bar! According to a totally unsupported statement on Wikipedia, the bar was boycotted by the Southern Baptist Church Coalition in Tennessee. Some of you may take issue with that statement being uncorroborated, but the truth is, I don't need a citation to know that Americans will do anything to deprive themselves of pleasure.
"That looks too delicious NOT to have been made by the Devil and put on earth to lure our children into premarital sex!" -America
Which is their loss, because eating a Crunchie bar is what I like to imagine eating Aerogel would feel like, with something akin to a toffee flavor, but less burnt - not too sugary and vaguely reminiscent of honey. The milk chocolate is excellent relative to the milk chocolate I usually encounter, although it is a bit sweet, Personally, I think the bar would do better with a dark chocolate coating. As to the center, I never had sponge candy before, and it was a delightful treat: like a delicate Skor bar, with less depth and more airiness. It crumbles easily enough, but feels like a delicious hunk of sand paper if you suck on it - lovingly tearing the inside of your mouth into a bloody mess.
Which is to say, if this bar didn't cost me $2, I might eat it more often. As it stands, I will probably never have one again. Luckily, it turns out I can easily make it myself on the cheap. Put that in your bubble pipe and smoke it Southern Baptist Church Coalition, should you actually exist.
Source of Second Photo(By Charles Levy from one of the B-29 Superfortresses used in the attack. [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons)
Crunchie Commercial Uploaded By Youtube User Tony Williams
Crunchie Recipe Uploaded by SORTEDfood
It's a firesale of all original, quality content, and I plan on delivering more every day!*
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Piqued #2 - A Crash Course In Space Time
Piqued #3 - A Crash Course Towards The Speed Of Light
Piqued #4 - Enter The Wormhole - A Crash Course
Or some Pretty Little Ideas for your home and life
Pretty Little Ideas #1 - Framing Flower Petals
Pretty Little Ideas #2 - Art Postcard Collage
Pretty Little Ideas #3 - Making An Old Iron Planter Beautiful Again
Then there's my series about the exploration of wild mushrooms - most recently an interactive workshop to teach readers how to identify mushrooms themselves
The Amatuer Mycologist #3
The Amatuer Mycologist #4 - Phallus ravenelii - Ravenelii's Stinkhorn
The Amatuer Mycologist #5 - Lycoperdon perlatum - The Common Puffball
For something with more whimsy, there's my often ridiculous reviews of your favorite candies - cause why the hell not?!
Kinder Bueno Review - In English, German and Spanish
The Great Peep Menace
Almond Joy Vs Mounds Blood Feud
Nerds - Teaching Children To Eat Other People's Happiness
Good N Plenty - Grossing Out Young People For Over A Century
And finally a small bucket of miscellaneous material. Particularly relevant to whales is my commentary on the current state of taxation on Steem based on the most recent IRS notices.
A Taste of Travel #2 - Hassan II Mosque
Or Check Out The TV Sitcom Comedy Pilot I Made With A Friend
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NYC Bail Reform - Part 1 -Riker's Island And The Evils Of Bail