I came across this posting this posting Freedom Challenge 2 from @sagescrub and found the question for a challenge he is holding very interesting.
What is holding you back from feeling more free?
I have only one answer for this. ME. I am what is holding myself back from feeling more free. When all is said and done, with all my 'diagnoses' my answer is still ME. Yes, years of abuse by my father and ex-husband (mostly psychological) Had changed me so much I lost who I was, what I wanted out of life, the pure definition of ME.
I have studied my different 'conditions' trying to educate myself to learn and move beyond being 'labeled.' That fear of retaliation and failing, not being good enough has always stayed with me. At work I tend to be an overachiever (being THE BEST) at what I do thinking it will make me feel better, take away the stress and the worry. It doesn't. It puts more on me. One of the worst feelings in the world is walking into work everyday asking yourself 'Is today they day they fire me?' Or everyone is an uproar over something being wrong and the first words out of your mouth are 'Did I do it?' I have more or less become a prisoner of my own mind.
Logically, I know that most things are not my fault. I accept responsibility for what is. I know I am in control of my life, my thoughts. However, reprogramming your mind is HARD. My job, and lack of pay and so forth is not what defines me. It is my actions that define me. I want so badly to succeed at something, I sabotage myself because I start listening to what has been beat into my head. 'You're worthless.' 'You're always going to be stuck in dead end jobs, why do you even try?' 'You're not smart enough.' 'You're just a dumb blonde.' 'You're fat and lazy.' 'People like you don't deserve to succeed.' 'You always start something but never finish it' and the ever popular 'Why try it's just going to disappoint you in the end.'
I try to fill my mind with positive thoughts and surround myself with people that care about me and support me. If you read any of my posts on coping, self love and so forth. The one thing I keep saying is BABY STEPS. If you only look at the big steps you take, when you have a minor setback, your setback is actually further. If you congratulate yourself even on the small tasks such as: I made it a day at work without getting angry. Or I went shopping and did not have ill feelings give yourself the proverbial pat on the back, so when you do have a bad or off day that setback will not 'damage' you. You change the thought. Accept this moment in time for what it is and keep moving forward. Tomorrow will be better. (Yes easier said than done.)
My ultimate goal is to free myself mind, body and soul. There is no timeframe I have as long as I need.
If you want share your thoughts and feelings on this subject please click the link up to for Freedom Challenge 2.
