Stranger Danger

As kids we were taught – Don't talk to strangers! – which was and is excellent advice. Strangers can sometimes be far too talkative. Introverts must be on the lookout for this potential danger every time they venture into the public arena.

Many unfortunate introverts have found themselves trapped in uncomfortable small talk at the bank, bus stop, doctor's office, shops, on a plane... The list is long. But don't worry – there are remedies for this.

Here we'll explore techniques on how to avoid conversations with strangers in many situations. We will also learn how to prevent a chat from happening before it even starts.

Let's go.

The language barrier

Whatever language the stranger uses, pretend not to understand. Don't, however, admit to knowing a mainstream language such as Spanish, French, German... or one that's taught in your vicinity. The stranger will be forced to resort to the foreign language they learned in high school or for a holiday. This will result in chats about how to find a beach or what colours they can identify. No introvert wants this kind of drama.

It is crucial to learn a language that is on the verge of extinction such as Njerep, Liki or Kawishana. There are only a handful of people in the world that will understand you. The odds will be in your favour.

This may seem like a lot of effort to avoid conversation but this skill will get you out of almost all stranger chat scenarios (unless you have to deal with the public for work).

WARNING: Don't use the language barrier technique if you're approached by a potential mugger or murderer. This will just infuse them with confidence that you'll be unable to describe your ordeal to the authorities.

Prevent

Public transport is infested with talky strangers. If you use public transport, you really only have yourself to blame. Learn to drive!

If you absolutely must use a bus or train, learn to spot the warning signs and prevent chat before it begins. The usual props – earphones, books, laptops – can come in handy to create a protective barrier but they don't provide 100% protection. This is why it's vital to be observant.

Is the stranger scanning other passengers, trying to catch someone's eye? Do they speak out loud, generally, hoping to snag a random response? Whatever you do, DO NOT give eye contact! Don't reply to be polite. Wear sunglasses if you must. The stranger will be unable to see whether or not you're looking their way. ALWAYS be looking the other way! Also, try to take up more space on your seat to prevent the chances of a stranger sitting next to you.

If you appear open and approachable, you're asking for it. Pack it in! Never EVER give the impression you're friendly. Not only are you at greater risk of conversation, you are more likely to be mugged.

Techniques that do not work and/or heighten risk of conversation

Deaf/Mute

Pretending to have a hearing or speech impediment may seem like an obvious solution but this is not always the case. Some chatty strangers enjoy the challenge and will go out of their way to communicate with you. You become a mini-project to ease their boredom.

Mental illness

This can only be truly effective if you couple a severe psychotic episode with the appropriate costume (machete, unkempt hair, piss-stained trousers, etc.). Unfortunately, many of us just don't have the time to put in this much effort. Besides, mental illness is so fashionable nowadays that virtually everyone thinks they have one. Chatty types will try to discuss possible medication and therapies, perhaps even sharing about their mental condition. That's a rabbit hole you'll want to avoid.

Diseased

You could do the Vaseline Trick which involves smearing Vaseline under your nose, eyes and above the upper lip. This gives the impression you have an uncontrollable snot situation and will repel many strangers. For added authenticity, you could pair this by wearing Vicks Vapour Rub and occasionally blowing your nose.

WARNING: This can go either way. There is always the risk that the stranger will see your 'cold' as a perfect opener in a conversation. Worse – it could attract people with genuine snotty noses.

Smells

We explored the use of smells in a previous episode – avoiding conversations with co-workers. This is not a good tactic for strangers. If you try this, you may find yourself in stiff competition with a stranger that has professional level odours.

Sometimes we have to weigh the risks and go for the least uncomfortable option.

Over to you.

What techniques do you use?

Please share in the comments below. I upvote comments that contribute to or further the discussion :)

For previous episodes see:

Part 1: How to avoid conversations with THE SPOUSE

Part 2: How to avoid conversations with THE CO-WORKER