When was the last time that you talked about death? The inevitability that at some point in the future, you and those around you will die.

Last weekend, we had a family weekend away - my family, aunts, uncles, cousins... the entire clan. It's not something that we do very often and the reason that we did it now...

My cousin has stage 4 bowel cancer, which has extended to his liver and it's inoperable... 6 months to 2 years left.

His mum and dad are obviously devastated and not coping well at all. His brother's being strong for them and then there are his 3 daughters. 11, 8 and 1 year old. They're all suffering.

My cousin appears to be mostly ok though. I got to spend a bit of time with him at the weekend, just a nice chat, very normal. "It is what it is" he would say... the only time he gets upset is when he thinks about who he's leaving behind. Unbeknown to him, this was my goodbye, my peace and my closure.

I've thought about it a lot. I think about my own fate a lot and I'm comfortable with the idea that I'll die. I've done a lot with my life - worked hard, stopped working for other people, travelled a bit, done what I want to do. If I died tomorrow, I wouldn't sit here and wish I'd done things differently...

Over the weekend though, I made the mistake of saying this to my mum. The conversation went sideways quickly...

You need help. It's not normal to feel like that.

Her reaction confused me. Of course, she doesn't want me to die... but rather than thinking that I was mental, why didn't she see comfort in the fact that I was content? I was content with the life I've lived? If I die, I'll die in peace, not full of anger or regret.

Why are we so scared of death?

It's not something that's openly discussed in the Western world. I guess with the-mrs-gorilla working in palliative care, we're probably more aware of death than others.

I'll always remember a colleague at my previous job coming in after a couple of weeks off work. Upon enquiring if everything was ok, she told me that her father had died. I could relate... I've been there and whilst talking about it, she was grateful. Grateful that I'd asked. Grateful that I'd listened. Others would offer condolences and quickly sneak away. I didn't. Death isn't to be avoided. So why do we try so hard not to think about it? Not to accept it? Some cultures even celebrate it (Obon in Japan and Dia de los Muertos in Mehico).

My cousin's brother (perhaps coincidentally, also my cousin) told me how many of his friends had contacted him to see if he was ok... this is a social guy in his mid-30's... the answer... 1. Only one if his friends has asked him how he is... perhaps too afraid that if they ask, they'll get an answer... which will bring them closer to death themselves... like it's contagious (which I suppose it can be).

I know that this is a strange ramble... sometimes, something will sit in my mind until I let it free.

Since my first experience of death of a loved one, similar to the movie coco, so long as we remember people, they're never gone. They're always with us.

It is not in the last weeks or days that we compose the message that will be remembered, but in all the decades that precede them.

 

 

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