Is Ego Getting in the Way of Your Happiness?

Ego plays the lead role in the theater of our lives.

I admit- I have an unmuzzled Ego. He has all his vaccinations, and is fully housebroken. When all is calm he is the sweetest, quietest lapdog. But when you bruise my Ego, he awakens with a snarling start and it’s hard to keep him from going straight for your throat.

I am going to be bold and proclaim that most relationship conflicts arise because of our Egos.

When a disagreement occurs, it is often over the smallest things, which can seem so important at the moment; one did not carefully choose the correct words or a misunderstanding befell due to a lack of communication or forgotten task.

These minor fallings have the power to seriously irritate and bruise, causing the disagreement to immediately blow all out of proportion, sending one or both parties into rages of temper tantrums which end in one or both individuals brooding and not speaking in a childlike fit of “fine, I won’t talk then, that’ll show you!”

We are aware of how childish our actions and (over) reactions are, yet we are stuck repeating this and at a loss as to how to stop or change.

Why? Because of our snarling Egos!

An Ego can be described as a four year old child. When that Ego doesn’t get it’s way, it erupts into a screaming, temper tantrum throwing monster without any semblance of the beautiful human you were a minute ago!

These tantrums mix the ingredients of insecurity, anger, defensiveness, self-preservation, self pity, exaggeration and tears with a heaping helping of drama.

Quick to feel hurt in the heat of the argument, the four year old Ego reacts by stomping her feet and screaming curses. Self preservation mode activated- shield up. Swords come out- ready to inflict the same pain.

Of course you realize this silly Ego game does absolutely nothing but trigger your partner to draw their sword and shield. And before you know it your cherub faces are contorted in ugliness as you hurl insults and slam painful nastiness at one another.

After a while you are arguing over who started the argument in the first place, then arguing over who is right.

These Ego arena battles are stressful, emotionally draining, and leach a lot of energy.

When you are in the midst of the dramatic reenactment of 300, your logical thought ability completely leaves you and finds a safe couch to hide under. As he runs for cover he grabs your Grown Adult self and all you are left with is your uncontrollable, insecure four year old.

Take a look at your Self during these over reactions; you can see that you’re using the same survival techniques you used when you were a young child and your will was stifled by such perceived injustice that your only protest was the screaming temper tantrum.

This has carried over to your Adult self. Now when you feel threatened, your Ego jumps in the way for protection because you still feel the emotional trigger of powerlessness when you feel controlled or your will is changed, as is often the case when a disagreement arises with a partner.

Take a momentary pause to reflect when in the midst of an Ego battle. Allow the frustration and anger to cool so your Ego can calm down and stop foaming at the mouth. Then you will be able to recognize the reasons for your overreactions, and acknowledge that a part of you was feeling threatened.

During this moment of reflection the Ego’s true nature is exposed, and the cause of the disagreement- which seemed like the end of the world a moment ago- dissolves into a pool of unimportance and the whole thing renders into a head shakingly ridiculous moment.

You may break into nervous laughter now and quickly change the subject.

You Ego is simply a self preservation function in place to protect the parts of you that you feel you must defend and keep from exposure. It is there only because of the level of importance you have placed on what you feel you need to secure, giving your Ego the green light to react whenever one feels threatened.

The truth to the matter is these parts of you that you defend only have as much power over you as you give them. If you actively decide that your relationship holds more importance than the defense of these parts, your ego will lose jurisdiction.

It will take time to wean the Ego from the buffet of over reactions as by now our responses are conditioned and in large part automatic. However, if you don’t allow Ego out of it’s cage even once out of every few conflict situations, imagine the difference it will make in your life and interpersonal relationships!

The ego wants to place the blame on others! It removes the accountability from us and places it elsewhere where it can’t hurt us. But it never works out that way in the really real world. We actually lose control with this action- the ball is now in your partner's court. It keeps us from fully realizing the truth in the situation, which does not foster self growth and leaves you stuck to repeat the same patterns of behavior- which in all honesty aren’t doing you well, are they?

For instance, I’m working with someone right now who, for years has blamed his mother. He had a breakthrough recently when he had the thought to stop blaming her in order to open up room to examine himself. He was amazed to find that he was equally responsible for the things he wasn’t happy with. When he stopped blaming her, he now had energy for his personal insight and growth. By seeing his own part in the play of their relationship, he was able to free himself from the binds of blame, and move away from this self limiting behavior.

We must strive to accept responsibility for each action we take, yes- even the ones we are ashamed of. We become stronger the more we are able to do this, and, at the same time, our Egos become weaker as they loosen their grip on us.

Like the four year old child, the Ego covers up it’s mistakes. Especially when it’s hand is caught in the cookie jar. Ego hates being called out, like when your loved one guesses the root cause of your sour mood. So it does all it can to cover up when it’s wrong- justifying, misdirecting, and fighting. Like a wronged wife, the Ego cannot bear to be wrong, and finds it hard to own up and ask forgiveness.

In all reality, when you lock your Ego in a room and admit when you are wrong, it actually empowers you and brings you closer together. Just by the sheer act of admission!

The Ego is a Masochist. It loves to inflict pain right back. Feeling pain is one of the worst things, and in true defense Ego steps in to inflict the same amount, mistakenly believing that by doing so it will alleviate your own pain. It’s actually our Ego’s that feel hurt in a conflict, again because of those parts of you that you have internally built up in need of defense. But this action only adds fire to the ego, which is the exact opposite of what we are needing to do to live happy, healthy and fulfilling lives.
In the heat of the ego battles it’s imperative to step back and check yourself before you go over the line. And when you feel your loved one is toeing that line, gently remind them to muzzle their Ego. Even if they do go too far, you can consciously stop yourself and triumph over your ego.

The more we can become simple observers of the ego drama, the greater freedom we gain from the game, and eventually the positive change to our happy life and relationship journey is achieved.