This is part 2 from my previous post. If you haven't yet, I recommend you give part 1 a thorough read-through first, before reading part 2! If you have finished part 1, then enjoy!
Up came high-school, and by this point I had given-up on my glasses already. I really wanted to make a change, but I was just to kind to myself to ever stand up to it. I could never look people in the face (At least I felt this way), because I was too afraid of what they would think of me if they found out.
Yes, it's visible.
Because my eye is blacked-out, the pupil is constantly dilated. I think many people are too afraid to say something because they are scared they might hurt my feelings, or upset me, but I don't really know what to think anymore. The worst was when I tried to stand-up to myself, and the first girl I ever tried to talk to decided to be the most judge-mental girl in the school. She got completely freaked-out and asked me to stop looking at her. I was completely shocked, and heart-broken.. I would then question myself if maybe she was right.. Maybe I was just some monster, and that I would need to just stop fooling myself. This made me the most depressed I had ever been in my entire life. I would for go weeks without talking to people.. I would cry myself to sleep every single night.. Blaming God for putting this burden on me.. I just had tears running down my face while typing this paragraph. I sometimes forget how far the journey has really been, and now that I'm thinking back, I honestly don't know how I got through it.
It took about 3 years, when I realized that the only thing that would make me feel better is if I simply forgive myself. Forgive Luke for doing what he did. Forgive God (At the time, who I was blaming). Forgive the people who thought it was alright to judge a book by it's cover. That's honestly the only way I can see how you can get through any obstacle.
I usually forget about this, but because of the previous trauma to my eye, I went through a ton of physical pain too. I honestly didn't know how to cope with the pain at the time, and I didn't really communicate with anyone about how I was feeling, but my eye was paining 24/7. Every time I think of it, my focus filter will slide a little onto my eye, and I will feel pain again. You see? The pain never went away. My eye is in tremendous amounts of pain right now. Honestly, it feels like the combination of someone pouring shampoo onto your eye, mixed with someone shooting an elastic band. At the same time! All the time! Once I accepted that it's not going to change, I had no choice but to simply shift my focus onto the things I could change, like the way I saw things.
I used-to envy all my friends who had both eyes, and wish that if my friend had not thrown that stone into my eye, how much better-off I would be. I suppose these things happen to make us stronger. But you know what? I am honestly grateful that it happened to me. I have learnt to stop caring about what other people think of me. To stop thinking about the pain, because no matter how much I think of it, it will not go away. Sometimes I break-down, and cry a little, if you don't do this at some point, then you're not human.. But i feel blessed that God has put me to the test.
I have let this drag me down for the last 11 years.. The person you perceive me as today, is not the same person I have been for many years. I only really started improving myself almost 2 years ago. Sometimes people's lives look great on a piece of paper.. They may be perceived of living so amazingly, but everyone has insecurities. Sometimes I really am grateful for the things that have happened to me. When you get into a routine of just taking in all the shit in your life, absorbing everything coming to you, it might not feel like it right away, but you are getting stronger every single time.
I got the biggest shock the one day when I went to go and see the counselor. My brother had just had a stroke. It was the second most depressing time of my life. I thought he was going to die. The counselor asked me to tell her what was on my mind. Best for her if she didn't. 45 minutes later she was speechless from the amount of things I had to go through. Not saying that to sound cool, just making a point that we don't always realize the things we actually go through. I am sure many other people have gone through some tough situations too.
Look, at the end of the day, it's just a choice whether to live life, no matter what the situation, or to simply feel-sorry for ourselves, accepting defeat. Don't let your insecurities stop you from being your best. I am a believer that everything has a meaning, a purpose, a time and a place. No matter what you are going through, I know it can be tough, sometimes even too much to handle, but just know that for every down, there is an up.
Take these things as tests. Prove to life that no matter what happens to you, that you will not surrender! That you will keep moving forward no matter what! Because that's how winning is done.
I realize this was is a very long post. I hope you have been able to read until the end. I really let-loose.
My previous motivational post:
⏺My biggest insecurity: My blind eye.. Part 1 (Never opened-up about this before)
My previous image-gallery post:
📽Anime gallery: Berserk (Part 2)
My previous milestone:
🖊 My first 30 days on Steemit! Over 3000+ posts!
My main Instagram account is currently at 36.4K+ Followers.
