或許真的是冥冥中自有主宰，這幾天心情低落至差不多谷底，比起當年被初戀女朋友甩掉還要低。為的亦是個"情"字。心中苦澀難鳴，不知如何宣洩。為了平衡心理，嘗試以不停憶起快樂之事來提高心中的快樂指數，所以才有把射擊跟主題樂園之旅通通寫出來之舉。但事實上這些快樂回憶能彌補的，並沒有預期中的多。就在整個人就要被難過壓扁的時候，@jubi 這次的題材正好讓我可以盡吐心中之苦。
I was in the worst mood ever of my life for the past couple of days, ever worse than that time I was dumped by my first girlfriend. I could not get it out, the erosive emontion was killing me slowly with tremendous pain eating my nerve every seconds. I needed mental painkiller before I went insane. I tried to produce that by thinking of and wrote my happy experiences. That's why there was a flood of shooting, theme park posts. However, things just didn't work as theory. When I was about to be crushed, @jubi set this topic which I could use to let go all my feelings.
我上星期在美國回家之後，發現了我家的「大女兒」BB健康好像出了問題, 後來因為還會進食，所以我以為她慢慢好轉了。可惜，事與願違，BB在上星期五開始連最愛吃的雞肉都不願吃了，而且動也不動的，所以我們趕緊把她送到寵物醫院。即時的驗血結果顯示她極可能有腎衰竭和胰臟炎。她只能留院醫治。還需再照超聲波。
It was last week when we backed from California when we found our most senior daughter BB had some health issue. We thought that she was improving after she started to eat but situation deteriorated unexpectedly. BB did not eat anymore on Friday, not even moved. We had to send her to the Veterinary at once. First blood test indicated that she may had renal failure and pancreatitis. She got admitted and the vet tried to arrange ultrasound scan for her.
醫生安排在上星期六照過超聲波。最後得出的診斷是，腎衰竭，估計是因為年紀太大的自然老化，不過胰臟沒有發炎，但肝臟可黑影，可能是癌症，要抽組織化驗。因為她已經很老了，基本上醫生可以做的不多，只能一直替她「吊鹽水」(即靜脈注射）和用藥舒緩病情。靜脈注射除了結她輸送營養之外，還有洗腎的作用。希望能透過洗腎這治療而令BB身體重回正常狀態。使她可以自行飲食，才有機會慢慢康復。
Ultrasound scan was done last Saturday, confirmed renal failure, probably due to age. No sign of pancreatitis but there was shadow in liver, had to do biopsy for further diagnosis. As BB was already old, there was not much the Vet could do. They put her on introvenous injection (IV) and gave her medication. With the IV, the Vet hoped that it could serve as hemodialysis as well as drip feed, so that BB could become strong enough to eat and drink again.
在過去的6天裏，我們都是在驚恐中渡過。每天兩次的探望時間我們都會去探望BB (我只能在不用上班時才去探望她)。每次懷着希望去看BB,希望見到她有好轉的跡象，每次都只能看到她沒精打采，全身無力的樣子。明明醫生說新的驗血報告顯示她體內的指數有所改善，但是BB的眼光還是空洞洞的，完全無神。這些種種，令我們的心都感到非常刺痛。
Over last 6 days, we were all living in terror. We visited BB twice everyday during visiting hours (while I could only visit her off work), with the hope that she would be in better condition. However, we were disappointed every time as we only found her weak and helpless. Although the Vet said that her readings improved, her eyes were still hollow as lifeless. We were so painful as we witnessed all these.
就是因為我們跟BB之間的情，對她的爱，令我們嘗到這錐心泣血的痛。無論BB最終會否離開我們，這種親朋之間的生離死別，還是會不絕的向我襲擊。越是有情有爱，襲擊的力度就越大，我們所受的傷就越重。
All these painful feelings were because of the love between BB and ourselves. No matter what happen to BB eventually, we would experience similar situation again and again in future, from our families, relatives, and friends. The stronger the bonding and love between us, the bigger the hit we would have.
年少無知之時對情對爱的追求，就算只是親情，友情，難道就是為了現在這種懲罰嗎？是不是應該忘情棄爱呢？ 但又如何能做到呢？即令我自己不去追求情爱，有些情愛是與生俱來的，父母，親戚，兄弟姊妹之間的親情是沒能讓我選擇的。那麼這些情爱所帶來的痛苦又該如何面對？
Is this punishment to me for the pursue of love and relationship when I was young? Should I abandon all relationship and love? But how? How can we avoid something like the relationship and love with parents, brothers and sisters and other family members?
這幾天我不停的問自己這一堆問題。既找不到答案，亦無法從不斷寫作和發表開心的經驗和旅程而得到慰藉。難道情和爱跟傷和痛是一場「等價交換」嗎？
All these questions kind of buried me for the last couple of days. I couldn't find any answers that make sense. This post is the only thing I can do to keep myself intact. Are Love and Pain unbreakable twins?
