I'm not afraid to be real with you, and this is about as real as it gets!
I had some tremendous realizations happen to me today! Strap on your seatbelt, this is going to be a bumpy ride!
Flashback:
When I was just 15 years young, I met a man who was 5 years older than me. I thought he was so cool because he had his own apartment and smoked weed. For me, in my first year of high school, I was intrigued by how dangerous he was, especially since I came from such a goody-two-shoes upbringing.
Only months into our secret relationship, I was suddenly being aggressively abused by this man who was easily more than twice my size and had over 100lbs on me.
No one knew. It was a secret that I held and pushed deep down into the darkest corners of my insides because the threat that he offered to my family was far too real to me. I believed if I told anyone about what was happening, my house would end up burned to the ground or my mother just one day wouldn't come home from work.
Sound dramatic? It was! It was far too much for a girl that age and being young and afraid, I kept it all inside to keep my family safe. After some severe episodes, that man ended up going to jail, finally ending in setting me free from the fear but not from the pain that had settled under my skin, scaring how I felt about myself and saw myself in the mirror.The deepness of that is another story.
And then...
Shortly after that I fell into some stupid mistakes and failed relationships. I turned to alcohol and fought with my mother. Part of me blamed her for not knowing, not caring enough to ask. I judged her for not being able to protect me even though of course now, I know, none of this was ever her fault.
The Point...
When I was 18 my life changed. I met someone who I thought I didn't deserve. From my years of not only physical but severe mental abuse, I believed that I was not worthy. I believed I was nothing. I believed I was a POS, and worst of all, I believed I didn't deserve to be loved.
That was my biggest mistake because it cost me the first man I ever truly loved with my whole heart.
I loved him so much that I didn't even know it until he was gone. Until I had pushed him away from my own doubts and fears and insecurities.
That pain has wounded me every day since. Losing him wrecked me in a way I can never explain. I turned to alcohol as a way to numb the insatiable burning in my heart and for years walked through life with half opened eyes and a glazed over heart.
But here is the thing!
Life doesn't happen to us, it happens for us! Oh my goodness people, if I didn't love that man more than he will ever know...
But it taught me lessons that I could have never hoped for. It made me stronger than I would ever have dreamed of and it made me capable of being who I am now because I literally had to burn into oblivion to rebirth from the flames into the new person I have become!
What's buried deep:
Today I was in a very intense healing workshop that I very fortunately got an invitation to and during that time when I felt the pain rip open my heart again, I realized, I am so fortunate to have had such blood sucking pain in my life because it made me fire strong.
I am a flame that's come alive from everything I went through and I'm happy to share that I'm thriving and wild and free.
It was from this epic downfall that I found love. Love for myself and the confidence and belief that I am worthy of more. I am beautiful and wonderful and capable of love!
It was through that pain that I ended up finding devotion to myself which ended up expanding into love of another and that is an exceptional gift to be given.
We all walk around carrying all this baggage and don't you dare even think this is a poor me post because I've felt sorry for myself for long enough, trust me.
I just wanted to share with you that what hurts us makes us who we are and what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger so embrace the pain and use it as your ammo to be a better you!
Love harder, deeper and stronger and use every inch of power within you to call for more!
Today I looked my deepest pain in the face, even after YEARS of time a part, time between when we said our goodbyes, those words still haunt my lips. His face still shows up in my dreams and his voice sings in my ears, even years later.
It is that lost love, that passion that drives me every day to be a better me and give more and more love every chance I get. It was only through that heart break that I learned how to love.
This has been a blessing in disguise and a lesson I hope to be able to share with you!
My momma always told me trust in fate, everything happens for a reason!
If you have a pain or hurt like this inside you, let it propel you, let it give you energy but never let it break you. This is your gift. This happened for you, just find your why and use it to your advantage to be the best you you can be!
Sending you love today and everyday!
My heart's in charge here. I write about what I feel in the moment. What inspires me, what drives my passion. Here are some of my recent additions:
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Until next time!
Sending you love through food, travel, inspiration and epic storytime!
XO,