I Forgive Myself And I Set Myself Free

We all have to learn how to forgive at some point in our lives. We are often told to forgive others, which is very important. How often are you asked or guided in forgiving yourself? We must learn to forgive others and ourselves in order to find that inner peace, to find that freedom from within. Forgiving myself never really crossed my mind previously. I was so wrapped in focusing on other people, I personally no longer mattered. Here are some things that I have either fully forgiven myself for or something that I am currently going through the process of forgiveness:

Blaming myself for the death of my father.

My dad passed away when I was 13. He was in and out of my life for a bit and when he finally came back for good, I was a teenager who was "too cool" for dads house every other weekend. This hurt my dad extremely bad. I was meant to go with him one weekend, canceled on him, he got upset and went to get super drunk. He drove home and flipped his truck, 5 minutes from his house. This, this was hard to forgive myself for. My mind won't be changed, I'm convinced my actions led to his choices and the circumstance that came from this. However, after years of self torture because I felt responsible, I have forgiven myself.

Not giving my daughter the life she deserves & not being a good enough mother.

This one here is a work in progress. I'm struggling in life, bad. My daughter is so sweet and so smart, she seriously deserves the world. Yet, I'm over here struggling and working hard just so that I can save up my SBD to buy her, her very own bed. Yes, she is almost 4 and still sleeps with me. I have already forgiven myself for that part. She is so excited for a bed, she has already picked out her "theme". She is currently convinced it will be spiderman, whatever makes her happy, will make me happy. She did have a toddler bed before we were forced to move but she has well outgrown that. Her birthday is in a month and this will be our gift to her, all thanks to Steemit.

I hate myself for not being a good enough mother to her. I had a good life going for me, a nice car and a solid plan for life. I had her and not because of her at all but life took a turn for the worse. I lost my car that I worked so hard for, I lost my certified nursing assistant license, I played a part in my family becoming homeless. We had to sleep in a hotel for a few weeks that a church helped pay for, from there we went to a members house from the church. After that we rented a house for a few months and they sold it giving us a week to move. This forced us to up and leave everything because we had no choice but to move 6 hours away to a family members house. Here we are now today, trying to keep our heads above water. I am grateful to have a roof over our heads but this isn't our home.

My daughter deserves more than this and I go through this daily battle of how much I've already failed her. Finding the positive in so much darkness, we are now able to not only save up money but also pay off debts so I guess it isn't so bad. That doesn't necessarily make it easier. The process towards forgiving myself is slowly working its way up though. After almost a year of not having my license, I finally got them back this week. This is a big step in the right direction. I will now be actively searching for work which will be amazing and I would like to go back to school. With all of these goals in mind and my little love still bringing a smile to my face daily, I am working towards forgiving myself.

The thought that happiness will only come with death.

This isn't a cry for help or a suicide note, this is me speaking out about my mental instability in hopes that someone else can forgive themselves too. Life just doesn't go as we planned, it happens, often. I've never been truly suicidal but my mind had convinced me that happiness will only come once I'm gone from earth. I'm tired...physically, mentally and emotionally. No matter how hard we try, the world continues to burn around us. This is why I am trying to find the bright side in our current situation but I am tired. I came here to Steemit to spread positivity and inspiration but even the strongest and fiercest one in the jungle have those weak moments. I have hated myself for even having these thoughts run through my mind, this brings me back to what I just previously discussed. My daughter deserves a strong support system, not someone who contemplates what it would be like to leave here. I recently read something that said, Suicide doesn't heal our pain, it only passes the pain on to those who love us. Damn if that isn't the truth. Luckily for all of us, my daughter is the only reason I have forgiven myself for these thoughts. She is the reason that I will take rock bottom, learn from it and climb my way to the very top of the mountain. Those heavy boulders I struggle to carry to the top, will roll down like pebbles when I make it there. Once I get to the top I will scream to the world that I made it. Life here on earth, won't be so bad after all. For this, those thoughts are forced to leave my mind and I have forgiven myself for thinking this way.

Being bullied and not speaking up.

I was bullied a lot in school. 4th grade was the worst, that was because I was white. Middle and high school weren't the worst and it wasn't that bad but it was still there and I don't really know why. I was just an easy target to spread rumors about. This affected my self love and today, I have forgiven myself for never being enough.

Leaving behind my closet friends and family.

This is another one that I am working towards. I lost all of my friends to pursue what I thought was happiness. I left behind my family because my life wasn't together enough to immediately be able to afford or find another house within a week. This is hard on a person and does a lot of damage. My time "alone" will only help me to grow into a better person and better mother so again, there is a bright side to everything. Those friends who didn't stay in touch, weren't there for me in the first place anyway. In order to find my happiness, I have forgiven myself.

Eating cake, ice cream, brownies and fast food.

After being anorexic and bulimic for multiple years, gaining a little weight wasn't easy on me. "Fat ass" isn't a term that tickles my fancy but I have fully forgiven myself for this. I'm really not overweight but the little extra baggage is hard to handle some days. Life is too short to not enjoy those random candy bars and chocolate heals any broken heart so...I have forgiven myself and finally accept me, for me.

Not being a supportive person.

I will be the first to admit that I am far from a supportive person when it comes to my own life. This is a demon that I battle all the time. Worry, fear and stress take over that I forget "being there for someone" means so much more than physically being there. I'm working on this and finally acknowledging this has helped me to become a better person. I'm still learning what it truly means to support those you love but the biggest step was accepting this downfall of mine and for this, I have forgiven myself.

I have forgiven myself for not being a good enough mother, a good enough wife, a good enough daughter, sister, aunt and friend.

I've been so hurt and broken in the past that this has become my defense. My way to put up a wall and block emotions. Not forgiving myself has turned me into someone that I don't even know anymore. I've said words that have cut deeper than a knife ever would and I'm truly sorry for that. I'm learning, I am accepting it, I will change and I will become a better person.

Forgiveness gives us the chance to accept issues in life and move on from them. Forgiving others helps us to heal our own wounds, forgiving ourselves helps us to become better individuals. This challenge of forgiveness was brought to my attention by @ameliabartlett's lovely post about forgiveness. It really got me thinking about what I have or need to forgive myself for.

Forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future. - Paul Boose

Do you practice self forgiveness?

dream catcher.jpg