I'm My Own Worst Enemy - Self-Critisism & Fear Of Failure

My fear of failure is holding me back here on SteemIt. I need to step up my game... soon!
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Mixed Feelings

While I’m scrolling through the posts in the ‘contest’ tag stream, I have mixed feelings. Every time I come across another writing contest, my heart starts to beat a little faster. I want to join, I want to write!

But in the end, I join none. Not because I don’t want to, but because there’s this huge, undefinable fear to fail.

The Love For Writing

A while ago - when I was still using my old account - I wrote the post 'The Negative Effect Of SteemIt On My Self-Esteem', in which I told about how intimidated I was by all the top quality writers I came across every day here on SteemIt, and that I didn’t know whether I would be able to stick around much longer.

Fortunately, by the time I finished the article, I realized that I had simply enjoyed writing - for the first time in years.

It’s because of that love for writing that I’m still here.

I’m completely aware of my limits, both as a writer and in my knowledge of the English language, but during these last couple of months, I also learned that although my writing skills are far from top-notch, they’re definitely not the worst.

Still, I tend to play it safe when it comes to choosing topics to write about and the audience I’m aiming at with my posts. I know I can level up, but I simply don’t have the guts to do it.

Avoid Failure, Do Nothing

I want to enter those writing contests so badly, yet there’s always that little voice in my head that tells me I’m not good enough. It tells me I will fail and make a fool of myself...

The rational part of me - or maybe I could call it ‘the other voice in my head’, but I don’t want you all to think I’m crazy - wonders what the worst thing that can happen would be. I don’t win the contest, so what? At least I would have tried.

The only way you can not fail is by doing nothing.

So far so good. No failure in sight at the moment...

Where does that little voice in my head get the guts to tell me that not winning equals failure?

And even more important: why do I hold on to that, even though I know better?

Would I be losing my reputation as a writer if I wouldn’t win?
Of course not, because I don’t have any.

Would people think less of me if I wouldn’t win?
No, most of them would probably applaud the fact that at least I gave it a shot.

But the biggest question has yet to come...

Would I think less of myself, if I wouldn’t win?
I know it’s sad, but my answer to that question would be ‘yes’. I’d feel deeply disappointed and would probably conclude that I’m not good enough, and that I would have failed... again.

So I keep doing what I do: I keep writing articles on ‘safe’ topics, aiming at an audience of which I think I won’t be judged by...

I Need To Step Up My Game

I do realize that if I want my SteemIt journey to become only a little successful, I need to step up my game and go for it. But that little voice is always there, and I don’t have a clue how to shut it up and make it disappear.

Until I find a way to ignore it, I’ll probably won’t join any writing contests - no matter how much I want to.

This all feel so stupid, because giving up or not trying also feels like I’m failing. And so we’re back to square one...

Breaking Out

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I’m writing this post because I want - no, I need - to break out of this pattern of destructive thoughts. This is a step towards changing my mindset. I realize changing your mindset doesn’t happen overnight; it takes time.

And I do need to allow myself to take this time, without feeling I’ve failed because I haven’t mastered this skill yet.

How I would like to be able to look at the world and myself in the same way Thomas A. Edison could when he said

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
Thomas A. Edison

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