The Story:
In May of 2002, I was 18 years old, and I really thought I was very centered and knew the direction in which my life was headed (ha!), so instead of pursuing instrumental music in college (I played the alto saxophone and had a good chance of getting a music scholarship + academic scholarship), I decided to go to an incredibly religiously conservative college in Arkansas, one that offered no instrumental music nor the exact pre-law program I needed, in the hopes that the fella I was dating at the time and I would eventually end up getting married. Our relationship ended for good the month before I moved into the dorms, and he had announced that he wouldn't be returning to college. I was heartbroken, but felt that I was supposed to be there, so I went anyway.
It was definitely an adventure, although not the one I had originally planned.
I met a boy in my first semester who was a couple of years older than me, had long hair, wrote poetry, kept a journal, played the drums masterfully, listened to great music, smoked cigarettes, and loved Jesus. It was instant attraction; however, I'd just been heart-broken by the situation which led me to the school in the first place, and as a result, I never wanted to commit to him, although it became very obvious he wanted to commit to me.
When we were first getting to know each other, we had each been through a recent breakup, so there was a lot of talk of our exes. Through that conversation about the failures of our past relationships, which led to further discussions about life and love, we both developed a deep attraction to each other's brains. He and I were very similar in many ways.
Ultimately, we were just too similar. One of the lessons I learned from our time together was that I needed to be with someone who was not the same as me. It was almost too intense sometimes.
The recurring theme, in retrospect, seems as if I enjoyed his attention but I never actually, practically wanted to commit. I had a lot going on spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and socially during this time. I wondered for a while even if I was perhaps polyamorous because I always seemed to be "crazy-in-love" with two people at once. Looking back on it, I think I fed off the drama and anxiety it ultimately caused me. Most of my music, well all of it really, comes from relatively painful places...sadly, most of which I created myself. I am very much an artist who likes creating from places of pain, and have had a pretty solid track record of creating the pain when things are going well.
This boy and I would sit on the airport runway and smoke cigs and read each other poetry, play music and sing together, talk about books, watch great films...and I toyed with his heart.
I toyed with his heart.
He fell hard for me, and I didn't respect it at all. I was young and naive and didn't hit my "rebellious phase" until 19, so off and on for a number of years I would push him away and then pull him close again, while I was dating other people off and on during the same time. Sometimes I wonder if there's a special place in hell for the kind of heartbreaker I was: the person who just dangles bullshit in front of eyes and feeds off the chase. A relationship tease. Loved the idea of one, but did not enjoy one in practicality.
This song is about him, my constantly-confused feelings, and the time we spent in each other's company.
The Track:
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