Here, Hold this Elephant for Me: Compassionate Ways to Say No

"And make sure to keep it warm!"

That's what my daughter told me as she exited our van for school. She wanted me to care for her baby because stuffies aren't allowed at school. Oh, but this elephant, Penny, is not a stuffy. She's a baby elephant and she needs lots of cuddles. As her grandmother (WTF really?), I have a job to do.

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This isn't a parenting post. This is a followup up to a post from awhile ago, "And I Will Carry What is Mine." My daughter literally handed me an elephant to take care of, but that elephant is symbolic of the types of physical and emotional labor requested of us daily. It's important to know when to say yes, when to say no, and when to compromise.

I mean, of course I'm going to take care of my daughter's stuffy. By handing the toy to me, she was actually asking me to keep her safe, keep her warm, keep thinking of her while she was away from me by tending to the stuffed animal she couldn't bring in the school with her. I assured my daughter I would take care of that elephant (aka her heart). And that's why Penny is now tucked in a doll stroller ensconced in baby blankets.

But what about those emotional loads friends try to hand you that you aren't ready or able to shoulder?

Saying no can be just as much of a challenge as acquiescence to a job you don't have time for. When I was composing my Daisy Troop parent survey, I asked parents if they would be able to sponsor children into our troop. Their options were:

Yes
I am unable to at this time, but I appreciate being asked.

I wrote the question with the assumption the majority of parents would say no, but left space for them to not feel guilty about it. Why? Because I know how hard it is to say no, how easy to overreach, even when you don't have the time, money or emotional space. We need to help others, yes, but without hurting ourselves.

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This is how I feel when I overreach.

Saying no is empowering. It allows us to do better on the tasks we do undertake while caring for ourselves in the process. If someone tries to hand you a literal elephant, here are some ways you can gracefully say no:

"I am unable to at this time, but I appreciate being asked."

Say this when you mean it. If you'd like to be asked again add, "Could you ask me again in a week?" Choose a time period that works for you. By doing so, you indicate your support and willingness to help in future with compassion.

"I appreciate your trust in me/my abilities, but I would prefer not to receive requests like this."

No need for further explanation, but if you are speaking with someone you trust, you can tell them you are working on a personal balance right now, and one way of caring for yourself is by not taking on ______ duties, even for people you love.

"While I can't commit to , I'd love to ____. Will that help?"

Choose what you can offer and stick to it. If you can't offer what is most needed, that's okay.

But what about cases of conflict, when someone is draining you by regularly laying their yoke on your shoulders?

"I can see you are struggling with ______. It feels like you've been asking me for help in this area a lot lately."

From here, you can try to figure out if there is a hidden need by stating why you think they keep asking, "It feels like you aren't being heard/supported at home and so you are asking me to hear/support you. Is that right?"

You might not want to have that conversation. The request/individual is one that is unwelcome in your life. You can follow up with, "I need space from this." Or, "I need you to find someone else to depend on for this." Or, "I think you would benefit from support I can't give. Here are some numbers of professionals for offering this type of advice/support."

Be sure to state explicitly whether you are setting a permeable or impermeable boundary.

I'd prefer if you don't bring this up again without a clear plan for how I can help in the moment.
"Do not speak to me about this again."
"Do not come over again."
And when/if boundaries are ignored, document, block and do not engage.

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Sometimes we feel guilty for advocating for ourselves in this way. It's better to set a boundary early on in a relationship so you don't reach a breaking point, but that isn't realistic in every friend/family dynamic. Do your best, be your best and forgive yourself.

What are some kind ways you say no?

images from pixabay.com

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