Misunderstanding is scribbled on the walls of my mind. I am hurting because I cannot properly communicate. Trying has dug me in deeper. I feel reactive, dislocated. I am grasping but not out of breath or lost. I am simply stuck. That's okay. It's quicksand. I'm holding still.
Don't react. Breathe easily. Scan the landscape. This is key. Reactivity will fill your lungs with sand. You can remain still.
"Emotionally Stable" by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash
In a life of stimuli, how? In a life of text messaging and kids calling "Mama" and someone left the water in the sink running I still need to shower today someone is hungry the dog stole my food I am not sleeping because of pain HOW. CAN. I. NOT. REACT?
I want to shut down. Turn off. Will myself into the sand instead of trying but that is also reactive. The other end of the pendulum's arc: I disappear. The key is to STAY. To be, and I shudder, present. See the storm swirl, keep breathing keep loving remember these kids are treasures this partner does it all this woman I am in this body will heal will be strong will be ABLE in some fashion again. Even if able looks different, it will come.
You see yourself as a burden, but the truth is you are the fire on the torch that lights the way and warms the hands and roasts the meats and vegetables. Remember this.
Begin again outside the stuck place. Grab the vines and climb. Watch for rodents of unusual size. It's not an escape. It's okay. Shh. This is survival.
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