I left a little after 11:30 tonight, I think. Very sleepy now. Actually, it’s no longer the 26th, either. My run tonight took me into tomorrow. That is to say, today.
MEMENTO MORI. Remember that you have to die.
I’m not sure why, but the message of “it’s time to face death and come to terms with it,” has been coming to me repeatedly in the last months. It’s been coming in myriad shapes and forms. I know I am not comfortable with the idea of death. I’m scared. I am.
I don’t like to think about my son dying. Or my wife dying. Or me dying and leaving them behind. I look at all the hustle bustle of the people in the town where I live. Tonight it struck me as such a waste. We have around 70 years. If we are lucky. These people are just rushing around not noticing anything, too stressed out and full of fear and then...the end.
I’m not sure if there is something after this. But I suspect there is. I don’t see how there couldn’t be. Life seems very...shifty. Things are always changing. Always moving. When you think you’ve got it pegged, often the whole thing changes shape, and you’re stuck trying to put a square peg in a round hole. Maybe death is just another one of these shifts.
It’s going to happen to me. It is. IT. IS. All this. Everything I know and love here, will be over...........or I will be the one left behind by the ones I love dying first. This makes me feel more alive NOW.
How can I get past this dreadful fear? Well, when I feel full of love and life and energy, I guess at those times I am not really afraid, because I can feel a love that is beyond this place and beyond explanation. In these moments it doesn’t matter what happens to me, because I am already eternal.
Shoegaze Playlist.
Helping me through my mini-death-contemplation-cool-October-night-8-mile trek tonight was an excellent playlist. All shoegaze.
Shoegaze is kind of where I live, I think, a lot of the time. Anyway, it was perfect. Running, totally alone, on almost creepily deserted streets still lit up and silent, like something from a David Lynch film. Then along the dark riverside path. Figures moving seemed menacing, though I knew somewhere this paranoia was almost surely unfounded.
Tonight’s Run.
DISTANCE: 8 miles
AVG. MILE TIME: 10’59””
THEME SONG: “When the Sun Hits” - Slowdive
Well. Lots to study now. Memento mori. Let’s remember that, so we don’t forget to live.
~KafkA
PREVIOUS FUJI 5LAKES TRAINING BLOGS:
A New Goal, A New Challenge, and A New Plan: THE FUJI 5LAKES ULTRAMARATHON!
Fuji 5Lakes Training Blog - 10/25/2017 - Running with Joanna Newsom's "The Milk-Eyed Mender"
~KafkA
Graham Smith is a Voluntaryist activist, creator, and peaceful parent residing in Niigata City, Japan. Graham runs the "Voluntary Japan" online initiative with a presence here on Steem, as well as Facebook and Twitter. (Hit me up so I can stop talking about myself in the third person!)