(Click HERE to read File I)
We look towards the chaos together as our own interpretation of history flashes before each of our eyes.
He was always gone, but on this day he was back early.
She was always using, but on this day she was off her meds too.
He was always drinking, but on this day he was especially tragic.
She was always crazy, but on this day she was particularly sad.
He found her with her high-school sweetheart, Ken. It wasn't the first time. He warned him earlier, I remember that episode well too. And now there he is, my father, standing behind this man of no conscious, holding a knife across his throat as a dozen police officers keep him in their sights.
And there she is, 90-pounds of nothing with a 200-pound police officer barely able to hold her back.
“Don't you hurt him, you son a bitch! Don't you hurt him! You good for nothing sorry excuse for a man! I'll kill you!”
I can feel the hurt inside the man next to me, but the younger version feels only fire.
“I warned you last time, Emily! I warned both of you!”
He presses the knife a little tighter on Ken's throat to emphasize his point and hisses into his ear “I fucking warned you, you piece of shit! Why couldn't you leave well enough alone?”
It's hard for me to watch too now. Here it comes. The moment I've been searching for an answer to my entire life. Although I know it makes no difference I can't help but take half a step forward to make sure I can hear it all. What was it Ken? What were those fateful final words that shattered all our lives?
A defiant smile spreads across his face as he hisses right back.
“Thanks for the favor, Walter,” he motions towards the officers all around “when these guys lock you up, who do you think is going to be here to pick up the pieces again?”
Suddenly the father next to me turns and moves in front, obstructing my view of the demons of our past. He means to look angry, but I can only see kindness in his eyes.
“You shouldn't be here Jane, this is my history, not yours! I want it to stop right now!” We both know that's not possible now. A final act as the protector he wishes he could have been. I put my hand gently on his back and turn him so we can both watch.
“Really Walter, thank you sooooo much! I can't wait to move into my new home...”
Ken's smile spreads even wider. Neither of us is breathing.
“..and who knows, in a couple of years, if she keeps looking like her momma, your little one might one day be mine too.”
Even though we both knew it was coming, I feel us flinch together as the knife slices across Ken's throat and he tumbles to the ground, struggling unsuccessfully to get just one last taste of life into his lungs.
And suddenly I'm at the front-door of the house again. I look around frantically but younger me is nowhere to be found. Perhaps, I realize as I notice my perspective, I am inside her again now. Or she is inside me. Perhaps it's my turn now.
The noise is deafening and yet I can't hear a thing. Everything falls out of focus until I see only her, just as I did that day.
Please, mom...don't...
~~