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Intro post: Alcoholic Stories #3: Adventures of a Drunk Security Guard
Onto the goofy internet dating experience
Despite being a very occupied man with all sort of activities, such as drinking beer, drinking whiskey, drinking rum or drinking vodka, while it is hard to believe, yes, I still had some spare time and some basic human needs. I’ve never been well compatible with other people, but I’ve never put in the effort to do so, so I thought I’d try out internet dating, due to the lack of females in my social circle (pro tip: women make horrible drinking buddies) I mean what could possibly go wrong?Setting up my profile
So I put up some pictures of myself hugging my mother’s dog (I’m a huge animal lover, got much more respect towards animals than I do towards humans), a picture of my navy service and some goofy looking smiling pictures. No hints of alcoholism and no hints of me being 5’9 (knowing how shallow women are when it comes to height). But keep in mind that I’m not much of a looker and I’m fairly twisted with a really suspicious “lifestyle“. But I still managed to get a few matches, I engage all of them and one of them catches my attention most, blue eyed, blond, beautiful girl who I also hoped to be smart, because she was studying politics in university (I just happen to be fairly strong in local politics myself) and has a car. Seems like a perfectly functioning person. I’m little annoyed by how much she tries to chat me up on Facebook with meaningless questions along the lines „hey what are you doing?“ „why you don’t respond?“ „how’s your day been?“ – I mean I’m sorry, but I’m just not good with chit-chat plus you wouldn’t like the truth anyway, I could answer with just „I’m busy drinking“ but I still had hopes to meet her so I didn’t tell her that. In matter of fact I very often forgot to respond to her at all. I somehow completely forgot about her for about 3 weeks (that’s how long a drinking cycle can last for me, no lie)The meet up
So one day I have a friend over and we’re... drinking, yeah, who would’ve seen that coming, right? Been drinking since early morning ’till the local store opened. We were busy men! So this girl, lets call her Bella, hits me up on Facebook again and is with her regular lack of originality „hey modernbukowski, whatcha doing?“ and I tell her straight forward that I’m drinking home with a friend and then she invites herself to my place, being already drunk I didn’t mind the idea of an attractive lady coming over, how could I possibly? So we agree to meet up at a bus stop in few hours. When the time arrives to meet up I’ve probably been drinking for more than 10 hours in a row, lets just say that my footwork and balance weren’t too strong. But I get there, on time and I see a whole lot of interesting objects and events, running junkies, screaming kids, homeless people and a couple of police officers. The good ol’ regular neighborhood activity. But what I do not see is Bella. Where is she? When suddenly one woman is walking towards me, but I’m just not able to recognize her, I’ve been drinking for so long that I must be seeing double, wait, triple, for sure. But once she hugged me for greetings, I realized that I wasn’t seeing triple, she was literally three times larger than I was and not in an attractive way, despite being drunk out of my mind, I couldn’t believe that I got catfished so badly. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I’m shocked and not in a good way so I suggest that she buys me more alcohol, because I’m definitely going to need that to tolerate what I am seeing right now. Some people like larger ladies but I am not one of those people. As soon we get back to my place my friend starts laughing and runs off, leaving me in an awkward situation, we drink a little and I try to converse about politics but despite studying in university, she actually didn’t know anything on the matter, she couldn’t even name me the rulings ministers of our departments. I wasn’t attracted to her, I didn’t have anything to talk to her, we had nothing in common so this seemed like an awful, slow, painful experience, but much to my surprise she seemed really happy. I can only suspect she had been extremely desperate, because trust me, I’m not much of a charmer when I’ve been drinking for 12 hours. Barely conscious. At that moment I couldn’t even see her face, but I still couldn’t the idea of her overall figure out my head. I was traumatized. So I suggest she better start leaving because the last bus is about to go... she’s bit disappointed, but agrees to do so. But we miss the bus. I ask her if she has money for a taxi, she doesn’t because she bought me booze with her last money and me being an alcoholic I obviously didn’t have any money.Can’t leave her alone on the street, that would be just cruel. So I tell her she can crash at my place, she’s so happy to hear that and we head back. I had only one place to sleep at which is a single person’s bed, I tell her to go to sleep and I’ll go showering. I intentionally showered for more than a hour in hopes that she would fall asleep. She didn’t, instead she had gotten naked and quickly grabbed me into bed, this extremely small bed, where I usually barely fit myself, despite her numerous attempts to rape me, I was just unable to get an erection. I told her that I’m actually a homosexual and she really needs to fall asleep so I could go to work tomorrow (didn’t have work tomorrow). Sent her off to the bus in the morning and didn’t speak a single word.
What a fucking terrible nightmare, internet dating? Never again. My moral compass is now confused.
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