What would you do if your heart was torn into a million pieces and you were stuck, alone, confused, scared? You can see the pain written on my face... Do you blame me for ending up here?
Last time we ended here:
"Babe I really wish you would give this all another chance. James is a super great guy. I think you're just projecting your feelings about us onto this. You could be having so much fun. You don't need to come back here... just stick it out. You'll get over it in no time. You're already down there. If you end up really needing to get out of there, you can call me and I'll book you a flight back OK. Just give it a shot."
"Ya. Sure. Whatever. OK. Thanks."
My heart felt like it had been wrenched out of my chest. The pain amplified off of my ribcage and shot searing ripples of agony through my bones, ricocheting into my head where the aggressive hurt threatened to overtake my sight.
For you to feel my pain, to understand what was running through my mind and coursing through my blood, I need to share with you the back story of how I got here. To do that I am going to hit you with a blast from the past.
That being said, I'd like to start with the start, before the start, so let's get back to where we started from...
So the story begins... but where to begin? I wonder. Let me start from the point I began traveling, since this is in fact my travel-tell-all.
💫💫😵FLASHBACK😵💫💫
Canada, 2013:
Before this all began, my story started in Canada, the country I was born and raised in. I was a young and eager, 22-year-old small town girl, living in the big city, just having completed my studies at university. For my graduation trip, I flew to Europe for 3 weeks backpacking before picking up a job that would claim my life and full time attention. That trip ended up giving me more than I could have ever dreamed- it awoke a restlessness inside me- a "travel bug" as some might say and led me astray from returning back home to my normal life. That was where this all started.
I'm not going to talk too much about that trip because that's not where my this story comes from but in a way, it is where it began. On that trip, I was traveling with my boyfriend at the time. I was young, wild and desperately wanting to be free, but a chain attached me to this other human, his life, his love and something inside me was stirring to break away.
That trip was the catalyst to our breakup. I had grown accustomed to the comfort of him always being there, his shoulder to lean on, his voice to guide me... although freedom was what I thought I wanted, I found myself shattered and blind sighted by my grief when he was no longer there. I had no idea what he had ended up meaning to me, trapped in rooted grief of my past.
Let's just say I went off of the deep end. I got lost and confused, my world started blurring before my eyes and I struggled for a few months before I was able to find my path again. What I went through, is exactly the reason why advice warns us not to become too dependent on another person because if they leave you, you end up left with nothing but a shell of yourself, haunted by a ghost of someone who is no longer there.
I had to summon all of my strength to pull myself off of the ground and get back up. There was a long period of time where I refused to fight. I wouldn't go out, I wouldn't talk to my friends and I threatened to let emptiness consume me.
One day, when I was at the lowest point I had ever been at, I heard a tiny, unrecognizable voice inside me telling me to get up (literally because I was on the ground, in a ball, crying) and start fighting for my life again.
Surprisingly, I listened. It was as if some force was channeling me the energy I needed to finally take action. I pulled myself up and put myself in the shower. When the water began dripping down on my head, falling onto my skin for the first time in days, I felt a new appreciation, an understanding, a desire to be better. This drive encouraged me on from the shower, I changed into some work-out clothes, tied my shoe laces and started running out the door. I hadn't ran in months at that point but I ran... and ran... and ran and all of my troubles flew from my life with the tears that streamed down my face and into the air behind me.
Fast forward.
I maintained this flow, this energy, this motivation for months and was happier than I had ever been. I was getting up early, taking care of my dog, working out, reading, learning and bettering myself every single day and I was falling in love with the new person I was becoming.
During those darker days, I quit my job and shunned myself from society but I slowly started to integrate myself back in. I couldn't believe how much happier I was! Every day I promised myself to keep doing what I was doing so that I would never go back to the horrible, black place I once slipped into.
It was one night after a couple months of this that changed my life and lead me into the story I have been telling you about.
It was about 10pm; I was in bed, in my pajamas, watching a documentary when I got a message. It was my former boss, so I answered it. He was desperate, I could sense it in his words as he pleaded with me to come into work and help him train some new employees.
Honestly, I didn't want to leave my bed, but I knew I could use the cash so I said "OK" and quickly got ready to go.
I worked in nightclubs during university, which came with it's ups and downs. The downs overwhelmingly surpassed what you might consider positives of this job so, being away from it was one of the reasons I was having so much success getting better but I knew it would be a lucrative move, so I decided one night back in the limelight wouldn't kill me.
One of the managers was at a restaurant in between my house and where the club was so he invited me to come by and see him before I had to be in for my shift.
I got dropped off in a cab about half an hour before I needed to be behind the bar. As soon as I walked in, he excitedly handed me a glass of wine, thanked me for coming in on such short notice and was apparently under the impression that I would be coming back to work regularly.
I had no intention of it, but I thanked him for thinking of me and accepted the glass, quick as always to drown myself in liquid courage.
I was pretty tense but the expensive, aged wine helped loosen me up. He told me that this night was very important as we had special guests coming in and he wanted me to take extra attentive care of them.
If I'm being honest with you (and I am), I really didn't care too much about any of this. I just wanted to get in, get out and hopefully have some money in my hand so when I got to work I had a really "DGAF" attitude. 'Just get in, get out, go home with the money', I thought to myself.
I got on the bar and wasn't sure who I was supposed to train so I was confused as to why I was needed to come in, surely they could have found someone else to just tend the bar, why did they say they needed me?
Since I was starting at 11:00, the bar was pretty packed already and I was being bombarded with various drink orders and money being thrown at me.
Not too long after that, another manager came into the bar and was shocked to see me back. He had just been to a gala and was on the high end of intoxicated so he was more affectionate and gracious than usual when he saw me.
It went something like this... "basically since you quit, you're not technically an employee so just have fun, let's have some shots, you can take your tips at the end, have a few more shots... here is the person I want you to train."
I remember clearly at the time being thrilled that I had not only the go-ahead to be drinking while working but also that said drinks were being bought for me so, naturally I obliged.
Oh no! I hadn't been drinking any alcohol since I had been through this transformation... My tolerance had clearly taken a hit and I could feel it all smacking me in the face.
It was at that moment, when I was standing there, realizing the effects of the drinks I just had that he brought in this tall, handsome man in a uniform with the bluest eyes I had ever seen and threw him behind the bar with me. I can still hear his voice in my ear telling me I had free rein of the bar as long as I promised to take extra care of his special guest.
At that time in my life, since I was still nursing myself from the breakup, and trying hard to continue my transformation, I wasn't looking for a man in my life and certainly not at my bar so I barely even looked up at him for the first bit... but the tequila had other plans for me.
So many customers were swarming the bar ordering this and that, the other and the other. The music was too loud to hear anything anyway and well, it was too busy to train this guy who didn't have a clue about serving drinks. The other girls on the far side of the bar were in over their heads and everything was hitting the fan so we just decided to give up and only serve tequila.
... everything they say about tequila is true.
By the end of the night, this man had gone home in a limo that had swung by to pick him up somewhere along the line and I was trying my best to count bottles despite my hazy head.
My manager was sprawled out in the lounge closest to me and watching me struggle, yelled at me to give up and just come sit with him for a minute. He was straight up wasted and I remember it being a sobering event trying to get him to make any sense but what he ended up saying to me changed my life.
Essentially, through slurring and some interludes to sip his beer, what he said to me was that he knew I had been hurt and he knew I was dealing with the effects of that, taking it out on all man-kind... but to give his friend a chance. He provoked me into calling him and told me to stop being so scared to get back out there or I'd waste my whole life never learning what it was like to feel again. So I picked up my phone, dialed... and he didn't answer!
I was already drunk and now I was humiliated so I decided to go home. It was winter and snowing, the air was so cold but I let my bare legs be exposed to it, feeling the burning sensation when the snow touched my flesh and letting it bring me back down to Earth.
Two days passed without a word but by the third day, I went on my first date with the man behind the uniform and that is where this journey started...
I asked him to coffee, a Canadian thing to do. We met outside his hotel (because he was staying in long term stays for work). The frigid Canadian winters forced me to be bundled up from head to toe, relying on some sultry eye makeup to get me through the layers of clothing necessary to stay alive outside.
Gentle blushing of my cheeks fell beneath the crimson red of the wind chill brushing against my skin as we made our way into the small coffee stop on the bustling busy street of the city, just a couple of minutes away.
We sat there, completely unaware of time as it slipped away, unknowingly. The coffees turning from burning hot to cold as the hours passed and we sat there still, laughing, connecting, staring into each other's eyes.
Finally, taking that last sip I had been saving in my cup, knowing I was coming to the end, not wanting to admit I had come to the final drops, as to prolong this moment as long as I could... the cup hit the table and the sound was unmistakable.
"Mine's empty too." He said smiling. "Do you know somewhere I can get something to eat before work?"
I racked my brain but I couldn't think of anywhere to take him. In fact, I couldn't think of anything. My mind was like silly putty, melted by this buzzy feeling taking over me. What was happening to me? What was this feeling? I felt like I was floating on air.
Deciding to show him around so we could spend more time together, I took him down the street and had him choose a place to eat from a lineup of options. He surprised me by his worldliness and culture as he dove into stories of overseas and his experiences far beyond anything I had ever dreamed.
I was so mesmerized by his every word, holding on to every thing he said. My eyes never left the piercing blue of his as we talked and talked until he looked at his watch and quickly made a move for the cheque.
"I have to go to work... do you maybe want to meet up again later?"
My cheeks swelled that pinkish glow again as I silently nodded, feeling full of butterflies of excitement.
I felt like my heart was bursting with new possibilities as I debated what I could do to pass the time until he would call again. What was I, a teenager? Why was I acting so ridiculous? Why did I have such a huge smile glued to my face?
I tried to keep my mind on other things, to stop falling back into thoughts of his eyes, of his fascinating stories, of his sexy tanned skin but I was like a school girl... completely devoured in a crush.
Time please move faster!
I could not wait to see him again.
How do you guys like our prince charming so far?
If you're following along, you know how I react to sadness and/or heartbreak so you might be able to guess what's coming... or will I end up surprising you? Wait and see!
If you've yet to read the series, here is the introduction, Welcome to DR, Part 1
My Confusion and Panic in Part 3
My favourite, The Reveal (of the Terrifying Secret) Part 4.
An Intro to Kat Part 4.5
The More You Know Part 5
Kat Gone Wild Part 6
Kyle's Prisoner, Part 7
Adam's Drunken Incrimination Party, Part 8
Jailbreak, Part 9
Em's Perspective Part 10
They Found Us Part 11
Then That Happened Part 12
If you're hanging by a thread and want to know the moment the next part is published, let me know in the comments and I will keep you updated!
From January 2014 I have been what you would call a vagabond, a nomad, even a gypsy by definition of the words. I had what they all have in common: no fixed home...and no fixed income but the wildest stories.
Until next time,
XO,
😘
