Rhonda's Raccoon 2 - The Raccooning

DQmVfaN6RFEhhbRUjAJKjN5oDuR83UedcKZGnJD6YPQtBSZ_1680x8400.png

Image courtesy of Pixabay

And so continues the hilarity begun by the incomparable @jhagi.bhai. Read her post that started it all in Rhonda's Raccoon here!

“You’re really movin,’ Glory. What happened, you get kicked out?”

The raccoon - who allowed the human, her suicidal goat, and her pack of mangy mutts to refer to the raccoon as “Glory” in order to foster a sense of camaraderie in the lower beasts - gritted her sharp little teeth and turned a withering stare to the useless canine lying by the porch.

“Of course, I didn’t get ‘kicked out’ you moron,” replied the resplendent Glorious Regent of All Raccoondom. “I leave when I damned well please.”

“I’m just sayin,’ you booked it outta there like your tail was on fi-”

The dog yipped as the back-paw rocked his head sideways, floppy ears waggling and coagulated drool flying from his black lips. Glory grabbed pawfuls of the hound’s sagging neck-skin and yanked him forward, little, elegant button nose to wet-sweaty prune nose, and growled, “You wanna be draggin’ your ass for the rest of your life, Hound?”

Hound was terrified, but also too naive to lie. “Well, sometimes I like to drag my ass because the ground is my toilet paper.” A wistful gleam came into Hound’s eyes and he seemed to forget for a moment that his neck was in the paws of a psychopath. Okay, perhaps “naive” is too kind a word. Hound was an idiot. “Except when the carpet is my toilet paper. That’s glorious.” He chuckled, “Hey! ‘Glorious,’ just like - gungh -”

The throat punch shut Hound up. “I mean do you want me to break your hind legs so you are always… you know what? Never mind.” The Glorious Regent sighed, exasperated at the blank look in Hound’s eyes. Stupid dogs couldn’t keep things straight from one minute to the next. Shoving him away, she walked slowly, purposefully, most definitely not retreatingly toward her makeshift throne on the top of the human’s car.

As she ascended - not scampered up - the hood, she made certain to dig her claws in, leaving the human with a few new scratches in the paint. That would teach her to bring in reinforcements. Did the human - Rita? Renee? Rhoda? (Glory couldn’t be bothered to remember). Did Rosa (yes, that was it!) think the Glorious Regent of All Raccoondom was a fool? Well she would regret that error, and so would the human who had dared come to Rutabaga's aid this fateful day.

Slipping - not stumbling - down from her throne, the cleverest of all creatures sashayed - not waddled - to the strange car, reached up - and using her most dexterous of all paws - opened the door. She glided - not clambered - up into the back seat and awaited her revenge.

It was dusk before the interloper arrived. All the better. Night was Glory’s time. Her gray and black fur rendered the Regent invisible, as - Jeb? Jeff? Jen! - as Jen flounced into the seat before her. The unwitting buffoon cranked up the radio, the cacophony covering any sounds the Glorious Regent of All Raccoondom might make.

The windows showed the world speeding by at a rate that could have been alarming - were it not so perfectly suited to Glory’s plan. She was considering the only flaw in it - how will I escape? - when the Raccoon Gods smiled upon her and the imbecile opened the window wide and lit a cigarette.

The Glorious Regent of All Raccoondom was not entirely without mercy, and it was for this reason she allowed the twit to nearly finish her final smoke. When it had burned down almost to the clod’s fingers, Glory leaped upon the long, blonde fur of the birdbrain, and dug in. Grasping huge pawfuls of the stuff, she held on despite the violent thrashing of the ridiculously big, round head and the wild swerving of the car. It was just like those shows Ronnie watched with the humans on the crazy horses. Hell, Glory figured she’d already held out twice as long as any of those humans ever did, which was only to be expected from her Glorious self.

When she saw the guardrail and knew impact was imminent, The Glorious Regent of All Raccoondom dismounted - not flew off - the human’s head and flitted - not tumbled - out the window where she alighted - not smashed - on the ground. The walk back to the house she allowed Arugula to live in was a long one, but she had plenty of congratulating of herself to do. Tonight, she had eliminated the threat of collusion.

Tomorrow, she would deal with Hound.