How Do You Feel About Sex with More Than One Person, Open Relationships, Polygamy, etc?

It's Thursday, which means I write about something controversial, so if you like discussing controversial topics, set a reminder to check my blog every week on this day ;) My favourite thing, which will be a common theme, is the human mind and the various belief systems that it assimilates in order to live in the universe it has found itself in. It doesn't matter if you agree or disagree with me, I'd like to know what you think.

 
I guess the best way to start things off is with this question: What are all the possible ways in which we can love each other?

When I think of love, the first thing I think of is two young people staring into each others eyes. The second thing I think of is two old people, staring into each others eyes... And then as I think further, I see mothers with their babies, siblings holding hands, childhood best friends playing together, teachers filled with pride, cops and their partners, side by side, etc.

Ultimately, it seems obvious that love is a diverse spectrum and people feel it and express it in thousands of ways. So it's bewildering to me to see how most people define love very narrowly and set down limits in their minds, for others and for themselves, about what types of love are permissable and which aren't.

This post is not going to be about gender differences, but I can't write about this without briefly touching on the subject: My own view is that anyone is entitled to love anyone and express their love in any way they choose, as long as it is consensual and does not harm anyone else. Fullstop.

What this post IS about is something more specific: Is it possible to be in love with more than one person at the same time? Can a 3-way or 4-way relationship work? What about open relationships? Or scenarios like my fantasy above - a one-time occasion of a couple having sex with a friend?

I'll start with open relationships because I've had (a little) experience with this. My ex-girlfriend and I had been together for a year when she asked me if we could have an open relationship.

I didn't want it, and she was disappointed but accepted it. Six months later (after she had asked about it a few more times), I agreed to let us try it out.

I regretted it almost immediately and a week or so later, told her I didn't want it anymore. She was suddenly going out with her friends a lot and hooking up with other guys. While I did try once, and it was a pleasant experience, she was definitely getting a lot more out of it than I was, and I couldn't handle it. I asked that we go back to exclusivity.

But she didn't want that, and basically said it's either this way, or we wouldn't work out. Five months later, after some crazy fighting, we broke up for good.

You see... On an intellectual level, I feel that open relationships are, in fact, the ideal way to have a relationship. But what I didn't understand back then is that once you've already developed an emotional attachment to someone with an understanding of exclusivity, changing to an open relationship is almost impossible.

 
But if you START with both parties understanding that it is an open relationship, and both agree to the rules (talking about and setting rules is very important), then it could work magically, and I think it is a pity that so few people do this. (Indeed, I've said that if I were ever to find myself single again, I would only have open relationships.)

As for being in love with more than one person at the same time, again, intellectually, I feel like this is 100% possible. But things are stickier with this one. I can certainly imagine falling in love with someone else while still loving my wife. The reason I think this doesn't happen (with me and most people) is that we actively try to prevent this from happening. Our society is based on monogomy. So we're all socially programmed to expect our partners not to go falling for other people. And heaven help them if they do!

This is why cheating is so widespread - Biologically, we're meant to be polygamous. But social programming (and social structure) limits us and stunts our emotional maturity so that we simply cannot handle multiple loving (and sexually active) relationships. I think emotional maturity is the key... Just trying to deal with one person in a relationship is already taxing for most of us... Imagine adding more people to the equation!

I'm no expert on this so yes, these are my amateur musings which I hope you will add to in the comments.

Lastly, one-time threesomes... Well, really, if my wife could just wrap her head around the idea, I don't think it would be harmful in any way, and might even be beneficial for us. A one-time threesome could very well become "sometimes threesomes"... But again, talking about rules before the fact would be crucial. I'm not sure if it would be better for the third person to be a friend, or a stranger (probably found online on a dating site).

But like I said, it is highly, HIGHLY unlikely that that is in the cards for me ;P

What about you? How do you feel about all this? Have you had any interesting sexual/emotional experiences you'd like to share? =) Leave a comment, or even better, make a post about it! ^^ I'd be very interested to read about it.