Some aspects have been altered to protect the identities of the untalented.
I'm addicted to crap fiction. I love reading it. This, I understand, is one of my 'issues'. There's something enjoyable in the spectacle of clumsiness or ineptitude. Perhaps this is why fail videos are so popular on YouTube and amateur porn still draws attention.
In our stainless and perfect inertia, we observe incompetence from the safety of our sofas. What's more delicious than witnessing a lapse in dignity? The pratfall. The victim is a fellow human being, sometimes an animal (they're not immune).
For me, the lapse in dignity is all the more satisfying if the victim is oblivious. It's the literary pratfall. And I search for it almost daily. The author believes they're sharing significant, emotionally moving prose. They're proud of their writing. And I love them for it.
So, I scour the fiction sections of blogs online. Look for a cheesy title. Forced Optimism* Give it a quick scan. First sentence: the protagonist has moist eyes (don't they always!) and speaks in broken English. Looks promising. It's the first paragraph and already she has asked herself three questions similar to:
Oh, why do I have to...?
Can't he see...?
How can he be so cruel?
Navel-gazing perfection! I'm gonna love this. I'm going all in. So, I get my coffee and fill up my e-cig. Don't wanna be distracted by caffeine or nicotine withdrawal.
I read the thing in its entirety. And it kills me to not share any of the highlights but I have to respect the author's dignity. Some descriptions were EPIC!!!
It'd be mean to share details but the story was a sad tale of lost love and mental illness. I laughed so hard, my eyes were moist! And almost my chair. It was brilliant. I had so much fun reading it. Not that I find heartbreak or mental illness amusing (I don't usually).
Instead of sharing actual quotes from the masterpiece, I'm going to write an excerpt in the style of the original author.
This is a very moving scene where the a character is trying to persuade the protagonist, Eugenices, not to kill herself:
'Please my darling granddaughter Eugenices. Look your hair so the way it curves and is long. You will find a new love'
I swung my moist eyes around. 'Grandmother Mabelline I am not going to kill myself any more' My eyes vibrated hard at her kindness and sympathy.
'Granddaughter Eugenices. Wait. I can hear someone penetrating my alleyway. The dog is growling.'
My ears turned around to hear growling like thunder. Thoughts were jogging around my brain.
You have a heart of stone if you're unmoved after reading such things.
Maybe there are others out there like me. I hope I'm not the only weirdo with this evil hobby. It may be wrong. But I'm gonna do it anyway.
*I wrote a novel in the late 80s called Forced Optimism. It remains unpublished to this day. And rightly so.
Do you have any evil hobbies? I'd be interested in hearing about them.
Other eclectic articles
