Been off track for a few weeks – not with working out itself, just with writing about it! I've been wanting to discuss nutrition for awhile, but certain Actual Events have transpired that is prompting me to write about something else: The Locker Room.
Just your average locker room
What Locker Rooms Are Really Like
The best description of a men's locker room comes from none other than Marshall Erikson on the TV show How I Met Your Mother:
The locker room. You wanna know what it's like in a men's locker room? Just a bunch of uncomfortable dudes trying to to get out of there as quickly as possible…and one old guy just letting it all hang out.
In my experience, that's actually pretty close. For the most part, dudes just be tryin' to get their shower on and get out of there as fast as they can.
But every gym has that One Guy who just can't keep to himself. He's gotta strike up conversations with random strangers while walking around buck-ass nekkid and generally making everyone else feel uncomfortable. The worst part is that either he's not self-aware enough to realize how uncomfortable he makes others feel – or he does realize it, which means he intends to make people feel that way! I honestly don't know which one is the better situation…
At any rate, I figured I'd lay out a few Locker Room Rules of Etiquette in the hopes that Mr. One Guy from my gym might stumble on this one day and get a clue.
Locker Room Rules of Etiquette
First, let me say that while this post addresses my own pet peeves, I'm not the only one who agrees with these things. A quick search on Google shows plenty of support for my rules among other people as well.
Secondly, my rules are aimed towards men because I only have experience with men's locker rooms. Women can adapt these rules as applicable, or share your own in the comments.
With that in mind, let's get to it.
Losers Linger
Seriously, do you not have anyplace better to be than a smelly, sweaty, steamy locker room? If you want to hang out someplace, there's almost certainly a Starbucks nearby. Or go explore the world. There are plenty of better places to dawdle than the locker room.
Keep Your Bits Covered
Yeah, I know, it's a locker room and nudity will happen. But just because it's a locker room doesn't mean you should wag your swinging cod around like a fishmonger on Friday. And it's not just because it makes some people uncomfortable: There are valid health reasons for keeping some cotton between you and your neighbor.
Make Friends Somewhere Else
I get it, people at the gym have at least one thing in common – they're at the gym. But if you really want to strike up a conversation, do it out on the weight floor or somewhere else that isn't the locker room. Even if you have time to shoot the shit (see the first rule above), it's likely other people are just trying to get a quick workout in during an otherwise busy day.
Put the Phone Away
At the gym I frequent, the locker room is on the lower level of a tall building, which means there's little reception anyway, so this problem doesn't come up as much for me personally. But nonetheless, this one should be pretty obvious. Most gyms have plenty of mirrors on the workout floor for the most narcissist of us – take your selfies out there.
Close the Shower Curtain
This is a special case of keeping your bits covered. Nobody wants to see you soaping your balls, or any other part of your body. Or rather, if they do, then invite them over to your house and you can enjoy the experience together.
Bottom Line: Be Considerate
Many people think the locker room is their own personal, private space, but it's not: It's a semi-public space, and you need to treat it as such. Be more considerate than you would in full public places, not less so.
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