The Tunnel. A Real Life Horror

I had feared it would be hard to drive through that tunnel the next day, but I didn't expect how difficult it would be to write about it today. I found my body tense and my breathing rapid.

Writing about a traumatic event you experienced is cathartic. It provides a safe and non judgemental space (the paper or computer screen) to which you can spill your guts to, taking as long as you need because there is nobody sitting there waiting to hear the rest of the story. You may take breaks as long as you need away from the strong emotions, even leave it for a few days if necessary. I will probably publish this, but you definitely do not need to publish such writings- they are strictly for you and your healing. Write through your traumas in your diary for your eyes only if that is what you need, or write for awareness for others as that can be helpful in other ways as well. Remember- do not ever feel any pressure to do anything you do not wish to do. If it does not feel right- leave it or change it, never continue. This is your life <3 Take care of you first :)

The Tunnel

I had stayed the night in the casino because I felt I was too emotionally shook up to get a rental car just yet. I figured it would be healthier (and safer) to let my adrenaline dump and get a good nights rest before getting behind the wheel. Plus, I knew I would have to drive through the tunnel. I was trying very hard not to think about it, but it was looming like the remnants of a nightmare after you wake up in a fast sweat.

I awoke after a fitful nights sleep. The image of the semi truck racing at me in my rearview kept playing on repeat in my mind the moment I lost control of my thoughts due to sleep overtaking my conscious effort. It would hit so hard in my dreams that my whole body would jolt in real life, further injuring my already sore (and internally injured tho I did not know yet) body!

Friday morning. The day after the accident. After showering and eating what little I could, I called the rental car shop just to make sure they had my vehicle ready. Surprise surprise, it wouldn't be ready until 3 pm. Seriously? Don't they know how imperative this is?! They had told me it would be ready at 8 am! But it wasn't surprising, hence the reason I called. It would, however, not be good for my mental health. I had talked myself into being as ready as I could be considering the circumstances, and now I would have hours for the panic-stricken mental chatter to freak me out. Sigh. Well, it is what it is and I couldn't change it so I had to deal.

I wandered around the casino and shops for a while. Watched a little TV. Wandered. Talked with gamblers. Paced. I called my person. Numerous times. I tried to do anything I could that was both neutral and easy to keep my mind away from the looming threat of the tunnel.

It seemed to take forever, but it was finally 3 pm and I was signing for my white Ford Escape. Unfortunately, it didn't have a hands free system which I was desperately counting on. I had asked my Person to talk with me on the phone before and after the tunnel, and with a hands-free system I could just push the button to call on my steering wheel as there was no way I would take my hands off the wheel or my eyes off the road to make a call. But I knew I needed my Person there with me, if only on the phone. I knew I needed him to talk me down. The apprehension and near panic I felt knowing I would have to drive through it made me have terrible thoughts- I even imagined getting into a wreck in the tunnel again due to the physical effects of the panic that was overtaking me.

Everyone has a Person. The One you can count on to talk you down from your proverbial ledges. The one who can lighten the most gloomy of night moods. The One who knows you so well that they instinctively know what you need better than you do. Mr. S is my person. I honestly don't think I could have done it without him. He says otherwise, telling me I am a strong person and would have been able to do it without him, but I know that to be untrue. I am eternally grateful, and humble and aware enough to give credit where credit is due. I know my weaknesses and I am not afraid to admit them. We all have them- they are nothing to be ashamed of. Just a natural part of life.

So I had to change my plans a bit. We would talk on speaker phone until the connection was lost in the tunnel, then he would keep dialing me until he got through after the car was out of the mountain.

Trying to push your heart down your throat while driving is an exhausting exercise. I drove around the parking lot for a bit, adjusting the mirrors and seat, trying to lose the stiffness and get back to a normal easy driving state. Mr. S chatted with me. It was getting later and later and I knew I had to just go.

So I went.

I had 20 miles from the rental place to the tunnel. It was a nice day, considering. Even though it was 35 degrees, the mid -afternoon sky was slathered in a sun so warm it heated my face through the tinted windows- a far cry from yesterdays overcast gloom. As Mr. S talked about neutral things, my mind wandered. It forcefully led me by the hand down dark and twisted roads. I would scramble, finding my way back to his calm and constant voice and focus hard on what Mr. S was saying, but it kept grabbing me like a pedophile on the playground- unwanted and uncomfortable.

I kept close watch on all the vehicles around me, adjusting my speed so I was very far from any. I did not want to be in the tunnel with any other vehicles. I manipulated it so this could hopefully happen. And due to the time of the day there was not a lot of traffic on the freeway so I was fortunate.

"We're almost to the tunnel." I interrupted. I can never forget what the mountain looks like.

"It's ok, you got this baby, you're a good driver and this is nothing for you!" He said in a confident voice. "Just breathe, slow deep breaths, in through your mouth out through your nose. You'll be out before you know it and I'll call you immediately." His quiet confidence reverberated in me, even though I was nearing a severe panicked state. I was already slowed to 50 on the 70 MPH road, and as I rounded the hill I slowed to 35 as the gaping black maw of the tunnel sucked me in.

"I'm going in, start calling me!"

I looked in my rearview one more time to make sure the vehicles behind me were maintaining a safe distance away from me and the second I was enveloped in the darkness I was compelled to put my hazards on and take my foot off the gas. I looked straight ahead. I am now in the tunnel with tunnel vision. My eyesight did a funny thing and my peripheral got blurry. All I could see was what was ahead of me. I remembered to breathe, though it was hard to force. I was acutely aware of the spot where I had been crushed against the wall, but I couldn't look. Probably couldn't force myself lest I end up in a similar state right then.

My heart was both in a state of suspended animation and beating hard. It felt like ages. It felt like I would never be out of that tunnel. I wanted so desperately to be out already. I willed this to be over and me safe on the other side in the sun.

Suddenly sunlight hit my face. I breathed deep. I looked at the SUV behind me. I think he felt something about what I was going through because he had patiently maintained the same nice distance behind me. I turned my hazards off and made my shoulders fall.

My hands hurt bad. I had been gripping the steering wheel so hard I feared I'd left permanent grooves.

My phone rang. "I made it!" I shouted. Amazed and in extreme disbelief.

I don't know if I can drive that tunnel again.

The next hour to Winnemucca was not bad at all. I felt almost normal driving. I forced myself to forget about the tunnel. It was behind me, in all senses of the word. And I needed to focus on moving forward. I had a long drive ahead of me.

As I neared Oregon I realized I was headed into what I call the Eternal Valley of Nothing. A four hour stretch with only a gas station every 90 minutes, no radio stations, no cell service, very little traffic, and hardly any houses. The land is barren and empty minus the occasional sagebrush rolling across the highway. I realized I would not have my person to call, nor would I have any distraction as I use Sirius Satteliute Radio on this lonely stretch- and Sirius was lost with my Jeep. The familiar grip of Panic started caressing my soul, thinking I couldn't feel it laughing behind my back.

I had one CD which had somehow been travelling with me for a while. James Blunt crooning blue melodies about sadness and loss. Go figure.

Every little thing threw me into mild to moderate hysteria. Anytime a semi heading the opposite direction approached a curve I would soon be on I would slow way down so we wouldn't be on it together. When headlights would zoom close too fast trying to pass my under the speed limit travels with their dangerously over hurried pace. When a few fluttering flakes dropped, making me think of being stranded in a blizzard. When I was all alone.

When the body is overcome with adrenaline and cortisol every little thing becomes a Big Thing, and dangerous as far as the mind is concerned.

I wanted to give up at times. Just pull over and give up. I was so tired. Not tired as in sleepy- just mentally exhausted. It was all too much. I couldn't do it anymore. I so wanted to just give up so many times. It was truly the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.

I only drove for less than five hours that day. But it was the most grueling five hours I have ever had to endure.

I stopped at a hotel and laid down on the bed, knowing I would sleep fast and deep. My hands were cramped from gripping the steering wheel tight, my body sore from the accident and drive stress. And my soul was beyond exhausted.
Ha! Sleep? You're cute! My mind had other plans for me. Last night I had been troubled by repeat images of the semi bearing down on me. This night I would be haunted by the image of the poor lady who was cut out of her car.

Remember to be easy on yourself after difficult events. A lot goes on in the mind and body and we have a tendency to be harder on ourselves than we are on anyone else. You deserve lovingkindness and a great big compassionate hug <3

Part 1-My Near Death Experience
Part 2- the Accident Aftermath
Part 3- Subtract the D from PTSD but Your Brain is Still Scrambled
Part 4-How to Heal Mind and Body After an Accident & Helpful Advice for Your Loved Ones
Part 4.5 What to Expect With Concussions and Traumatic Brain Injury

Trigger warning- graphic and raw.

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Thank you so much for your support and kind words. You have my heart my Steemit tribe. I love you guys. Your support and encouragement is truly healing and comforting, and I am so grateful I have you <3

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