I am actually struggling to keep my heart open right now. I want to close in on myself and hide in my blankets. I have no desire to be around or interact with people, and that's usually the way it goes when I have the most to do. Except I don't have the most to do. I'm well again and this has been my least busy week in months. So what's up?
You ever get the feeling you are being swarmed by external energies? I'm not talking microwaves. I mean other people's emotions. It's been kinda like that around here. I have a kid going through puberty, another with blooming anxiety and a third who believes a shrill scream (aka sonic blast) will get her what she wants even though it never has. Have I mentioned that I am exceptionally smell, touch and sound sensitive? Well, puberty is smelly, anxious kiddo is clingy and littlest of littles has keyed in on my least favorite frequency. Joy.
Sarcasm aside, even my minis are doing well. The dog is responding to commands and giving less sass. But I'm not meeting my own goals. And the more often I don't meet my own goals (such as writing three times a day here), the less driven/more overwhelmed I feel.
Sigh.
A piece of this is depression. Another piece is anxiety. A third aspect is that my body is genuinely exhausted because I've doubled my physical output at the gym by doing accessory work after classes.
Wait a minute. What did I just say? Sometimes I need to listen to myself. I just doubled my physical output at the gym. Okay, folks. Sorry for wasting your time. I know why I'm dragging, and it's not because I'm not meeting goals. It's because I am. But also THANK YOU for listening because if you weren't here for me, I probably would have scratched my head into tomorrow.
Okay. Whew. I feel better. While I still want to close in on myself, at least I've identified that I am protecting my energy because I'm expending my energy. We all need to do that. It's a balancing act.
How are you pursuing balance?
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