I was out with a dear friend recently who later texted me a thank you for listening which included the statement that she didn't want me to have to listen to her. I told her I am happy to hear her. That's what friends do.
I'm a talker. It's easy for friendships to be one-sided for me. I tend to find a little groove of interest only to me and perseverate, a term for focusing in on and not getting distracted from a topic and which often is associated with autism and accompanied by pressured speech and/or monotone. I don't go monotone, but my speech does sometimes get pressured. I can hear it happen.
Here's the thing: perseverating is embarrassing. I feel relieved when I manage to be quiet and other people talk. I genuinely enjoy listening, troubleshooting, just being an ear, or supporting in whatever way is needed. It gives me all kinds of joy in my heart to get to be a friend.
But I don't get to be a friend if I'm the only one communicating.
Do I deserve to be heard? Yes. Being heard is a good thing. But I am not the only person who deserves this. Every person does. My friend deserved the time I gave her (and probably more, knowing how I ramble on). I appreciated her trusting me enough to talk to me. Communication is vulnerable work. Vulnerability between friends forges closer ties.
When people tell me they don't want me to have to listen to them, what I hear is that they are embarrassed or don't believe their experiences are important/deserve time/hold value. And I disagree.
Allowing yourself to be heard means accepting you deserve to be heard. In turn, it is embracing your own value. It is claiming space for yourself in this busy world and saying, "I too deserve good things." Also, "It is okay for me to claim good things."
It isn't selfish. It isn't thoughtless. And not doing so isn't beneficial. You just end up carrying too much.
We all deserve good. We all deserve to recognize and claim the good that comes to us. It is healthy and safe to do so. It is not healthy or safe to deny ourselves, simmer until we grow resentful, turn that resentment inward as well and perpetuate a cycle of emotional self-harm through denial.
I want you to say to yourself and believe: I deserve good things. I deserve to have my feelings heard. I deserve to take up space.
And with this, remember that you can choose to communicate with compassion for yourself and whoever might be listening. You are worth the effort.
Anything you need to get off your chest? Drop it in comments. I am happy to support you.
xoxo,
Shawna
images from pixabay.com
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