Forgiveness is an expression of love. "I love you, I care about you, and I choose to forgive you. Even though my feelings of hurt may linger, I will not allow what has happened to come between us. I hope that we can learn from this experience. You are not a failure because you have failed. You are my partner, and together we will go on from here"
Cited from "The 5 Love Languages, The Secret to Love That Lasts" by Dr. Gary Chapman
Love Language: Words of Affirmation
Dialect 2: Words of Kindness
The tone of our voice determines if we are expressing love or judgement/resentment/sarcasm. The same sentence can have different meanings, depending on how we say it. Sometimes, we say one thing but our tone says another.
"I love you" when said with gentleness and tenderness, its a genuine expression of love.
"I love you?" changes the whole meaning. It feels uncertain and fear.
We pay attention to the tone more to the words itself. If you said "I would be more than happy to massage you tonight" in a snarling, sarcastic tone, your partner will not perceive it as love, but as a sarcasm that you do not want to massage at all!
But if you express anger in a gentle and soft way "I am disappointed that you didn't help me when I'm struggling with the trash" could be perceived as love. You want to express your dissatisfaction and want to be understood, in a kind and loving way. Your partner will perceive it as love. Your partner will most likely understand your pain and reciprocate.
The manner which we speak is exceedingly important
If you counter anger with anger, the fire will go out of control. But if you counter anger with kindness, the fire will diminish.
Words of Kindness are mostly used when your partner lashes out anger, frustration, anxiety, dissatisfaction, and other negative emotions. If you encounter this situation, these are some useful tips to express your love in the midst of battlefield.
Note: Remember, your objective is to express love to your partner.
Useful tips
- Receive whatever your partner says and their emotions as information.
- Put yourself in their shoes and see the events through their eyes.
- Express softly and kindly that you understand what they're going through.
- If you have wronged them, acknowledge the specifics and ask for forgiveness.
- Seek for understanding and reconciliation, not proving you are right from your way of interpretation.
Does it matter if you have proved you are right?
You may have fulfilled your ego temporarily but you have hurt your partner. This hurt will never go away and can never be erased. If you choose to seek your partner for payback, you became the judge and your partner is the felon. This is not the fruitful relationship both of you aspire to have.
The best thing we can do with the failures and hurt of the past is to let them be history. Yes, it hurts but we can acknowledge it and ask for forgiveness.
It does not matter who is right, who is wrong. Forgive each other, learn from history and move on.
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This Relationship Tips series include practical how's and what's of speaking your partner's love language. If your partner's love language is Physical Touch and Quality Time, I will share firsthand experiences of what I've done and its results :)
Relationship Tips is one of my initiative to help people improve their relationship based on a book I was reading The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman and my experiences.
Check out my series here:
Relationship Tips #1: Know Your Partner's Love Language Here!
Relationship Tips #2: How to keep the love tank full, or most of the time full?
Relationship Tips #3: Is This "In Love" or "Real Love"?
Relationship Tips #4:How to Express Love with Words of Encouragement
I believe having a good relationship will carve a positive path in all areas of your life. This belief is backed up by an 80 year-old research by Harvard University.
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