A Lesson In Letting Go

This painting is so unlike me. This is not my usual style but I am inspired to paint this after admiring @mariandavp 's art on this post. I have been a fan of Marianda since I joined Steemit. In fact, she was among the first twenty people I followed. What I like about her art is how effortless they look. The ideas seemed to flow on her paintings without restrictions or rules. I love that spontaneity because I am a perfectionist and I often feel restricted by my own perfectionism and can't seem to paint or draw without having some elaborate plans in my head. I want to control the process and the outcome so much until I feel "constipated" and it takes away the joy of creating!

A child who creates

“The creative adult is the child who has survived.” ~ Ursula K. Le Guin

While there is a need to adhere to certain rules and techniques, making art should be a fun endeavor. Look at those young children who are so engrossed in making their art, be it coloring, drawing, or painting. I remember when I first introduced my 2 years old daughter to wax crayons. I gave her a simple set of 12 crayons and an old notebook for her to scribble in. She was enamored with it from the get-go. She would sit quietly somewhere and scribbled for hours with Jackson Pollock's wild abandon. No rules, no nagging expectations. Just the joy of creating without judgment.

I envy that.

Since I am a portrait artist it's understandable why I need to be precised in my art. The portraits need to have the correct proportions and lopsided features are a no-no in realistic portraits. The skin shading and tones must be right too. Portrait sketching is my passion but after doing it for awhile I missed the art of being spontaneous.

The haute couture version of fear

"So many of us believe in perfection, which ruins everything else, because the perfect is not only the enemy of the good; it's also the enemy of the realistic, the possible, and the fun." ~ Rebecca Solnit

Let's go back to the topic of perfection. Many people are proud to be perfectionists. I am proud to have this trait to a certain degree but lately, I think of it as a flaw instead of a virtue. Yes, perfectionism often disguises itself as a virtue and people, women especially, love to wear their perfectionism like a badge of honor. However, if we are to dig deeper, we discover that perfectionism is just the haute couture version of fear. It's nothing more than a deeply concealed angst that repeats itself in our heads again and again this shameful truth - "I am not good enough."

In one of my previous post, I Am Not Good Enough, I talked about having a defectiveness life-trap. I think this flaw in my personality has hindered me to reach my full potential in many areas. I am holding myself back to shine like a star - holding back my ideas, my contributions, my leadership, and my talents. Somehow I just can't shake the belief that I am not allowed to put myself forward at all, until I am perfect and beyond criticism.

It's hard to write that and painting this portrait was harder.

The painting

Do you know how many times I wanted to quit painting this and throw it away? Every. Single. Brush. Stroke.

The process was excruciating and I battled to silence my inner critics who screamed how ugly this is. But I persevered. Other than making a light sketch on the paper, I had no plan on what colors to use, no technique, no nothing. I just let it flow. So bit by bit, she revealed herself and also her story. Through every colors she revealed to me that it's okay to be full of flaws, it's okay to be ridiculous and disastrous because sometimes being imperfect works - a woman who seems to be incompetent for a task, who feels she is not good enough, somehow grows immediately into her potential through the wild leap of faith itself.

A simple acrylics painting on paper taught me a lesson to let go of my ideals and embrace the truth that perfectionism is a caustic waste of time because nothing is ever beyond criticism.

Here are the progress photos...