How to Set Boundaries

It's important to have clear boundaries in your life. Whether in a school environment where herd mentality is prominent and peer pressure is overwhelming, or you realize you are an adult doormat, boundaries are your foundation for solid mental health and life satisfaction. As you leave the school system you will find that real life is drastically different, however you will need to have the skills to find the strength to set boundaries in relationships, family life and work.

The number one rule is you must be firm and consistent. You cannot allow something to happen once and expect to be able to easily say no the next time.

Sometimes we adjust our boundaries to fit every relationship. You must understand that boundaries are actually about your relationship with your self and your upholding of your own values. When you realize this you know that boundaries cannot be fluid.

You also have to do some self assessment and figure out what it is you truly want. Many of us have never really given much thought to the matter. Have you? Do you know what your boundaries are? You should be able to recite them like the lyrics to your favorite song. Your boundaries are your foundation. They are your values. And your boundaries represent how much, or little, you respect yourself.

If you have no boundaries you have no self esteem.

What makes you, you? What kind of person do you see yourself as? What are your values and morals? Figuring out what you are comfortable with and what you do not like is imperative for happiness, health, and self confidence. This is your life and you must be the one in charge. You must know yourself and what you want and what you will not settle with.

For example: I have a heavy workload. Being a single mom and severely underpaid writer, time is a valuable commodity for me. I do not like my time being wasted. So I have to combine things such as all errands and shopping on the same day, for instance. I have informed my children that they must tell me they need something by writing it on the list for errand day. Otherwise they will have to wait for the next errand day. I used to find myself running to this store and that store almost every day of the week. It was stressful and a waste of time. Now that I have set clear boundaries, the kids know they will have to go without unless they write it on the list beforehand.

And guess what? Very rarely do they forget and have to wait because they learned that this is the way it will be done very quickly.

Another example is in my relationships. I value monogamy and quality time. And communication and absolute honesty. Those are my unbreakable relationship values and I know myself to know I will not be happy without those. If I do not have these I will not have that relationship.

All my boundaries are set to decrease my stress and ensure I live a happy and productive life.

Know you cannot change another person- they have to want the change and initiate it themselves. Far too often we get into fights with our loved ones because of something we wish to change in them. We even get upset with co-workers because of their attitudes at work. There is absolutely zero point in this- it's a waste of time. We can only change ourselves! You must be the change you wish to see.

But a cool thing about that is many times they are motivated to change when they realize their old ways no longer work.

What do you do when someone pushes your boundaries? It'll happen, many many times throughout your life.

You must know the consequences ahead of time.

For example: the consequences for telling me you need something after I have went to the store is that you won't get it until the next time I have to go. Because I have clear boundaries my boyfriend knows his consequences if he cheats is I will leave him. Remember, this is all about you! Boundaries are all about honoring yourself and your needs and nothing about judging others actions.

Let your behavior speak for you.

If someone pushes your boundaries- such as that "friend" who knows you tutor from 3-5 but always sweet talks or bullies you into staying late, or that client who knows your business hours are 9-5 but always calls you at 5:15,- do not break down. Firmly tell them you will get to them tomorrow at 9am. People will test you. They will disrespect your boundaries and push you. But you know your self esteem is rising and you are getting stronger when they do not produce an emotional response from you.

Just sigh and smile, and remind yourself it is what it is and move on to caring for yourself. Let it go and work on you :)

One last thing about boundaries- you have to communicate them. You can have the most stellar and healthy boundaries but if you do not clearly communicate them you will cause very confusing relationships and situations ;)