"Birds Suck" An Original Skit Written for SteemStar After Dark - To Be Performed Live Friday Night!

Howdy, Steemitizens of Steem!

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Lately, through the happenings of coincidence, or perhaps destiny, I have been called to return to one of my earliest writing passions: Dialogue.


Do you know my wife? You just may... Her name is @CarrieAllen and she's just about one of the most interesting Steemians out there!


This is us!


Carrie's been hosting an awesome little radio show for the Steemstar Netwok, called Mission Control Mondays.


HERE is the archive recording of the latest episode!


A few weeks ago, we also started an Old-Timey radio serial show, called Space Carrie's Adventures in Space, written by me and performed by... whoever!

You can listen to EPISODE 1 HERE!

You can listen to EPISODE 2 HERE! Even more adventures than the first eipsode!

And guess what? Episode 3 will air tomorrow evening (12 am UTC) on Mission Control! Be there!


The Rest of the Story

Well, your amazing Steemian witness, @SirCork, felt that Carrie and my content jives pretty nicely with the Steem Starscape he is working so hard to create. Together, we all decided to go ahead with...

Steemstar After Dark!

Think of it as radio Saturday Night Live. I'm thrilled to once again be flexing my comedy muscles, but if we're aiming for two hours of hilarity every week...

We Need Your Help!

Seriously. I know you're funny. People tell me how funny looking you are all the time. So when you notice funny things, write them down into a cute little skit, because now you have a forum to share them on the radio and bring joy to millions of listeners.


To give you an idea of the kind of stuff we're looking for, I'll be sharing my scripts here!
***This is one such script. It will be performed at this Friday's show. I call it Birds Suck.

BIRDS SUCK

        Two birds are soaring majestically through the air. It is a
        Father, taking his eldest son for his first long flight, a tradition
        Among the… whatever type of birds these birds happen to be.

                    DAD

        Isn’t is breathtaking, Junior? Just think… If you were to fall 
        From this height your remains would be scattered over hundreds
        Of square feet!

                    JUNIOR

        That’s great, Dad. Makes me feel a lot more comfortable.

                    DAD

        I’m talking KABLOOEY!

                    JUNIOR

        Dad.

                    DAD


        SPLAT! Forget about it!

                    JUNIOR

        Dad! I’m losing focus, here.

                    DAD


        Right. Just keep your head steady and your eyes on the
        Horizon, boy. You’ll be fine.


        [PAUSE]

                    JUNIOR 

        So why didn’t you want Mom to come with us?

                    DAD

        Ah…  Well, my boy, glad you asked. This flight has
        Been a tradition for our kind for ages. Since the time
        Of our Fore-Feathers, fathers and sons have repeated
        This first flight.

                    JUNIOR

        Whatever.

                    DAD

        But that’s not all. I’ll teach you some important things…

Things that your mother wouldn’t necessarily like. You see
That dark blob on the ground, growing in the distance?

                    JUNIOR

        Yeah, what about it?

                    DAD

        That’s where we’re headed… It’s called a city. Craziest
        Thing you’ll ever see. Basically a pile of people, machines,
        Concrete and steel!

                    JUNIOR

        Ewww. We’re just flying over right?

                    DAD

        Oh yeah, we’re not gonna land in there. Well, I guess we should 
        Start with a little warm-up.

                    JUNIOR

        Warm up for what?

                    DAD

        You see that field of cows coming up? Well I see one cow
        With a brown body and a white head. I want you to target the top
        Of that cow’s brown head and give it your best shot.

        [PAUSE]

                    JUNIOR

        Give what my best shot?

                    DAD

        You know! Let it fly!

                    JUNIOR

        Are you talking about--

                    DAD

        That’s right son! Shit on that cow! Show me what you’re made of!

                    JUNIOR

        Alright, but you’re definitely right that mom wouldn’t like this.

SOUND FX - BOMBS AWAY

        Wow, it’s really taking a long time to fall…

                    DAD

        [WATCHING] Could be, could be… It is! Direct hit!
        Son, you’re a natural! I haven’t been so proud since
        Egg day!

                    JUNIOR

        Thanks, dad! And you know? That really did feel good.
        Can we do it some more?

                    DAD

        Absolutely we can, son. We’re almost to the city now. I’ll
        Show you the most challenging targets! I’ve even got some
        Trick shots perfected that I’ve been practicing over the years.

                    JUNIOR

        Trick shots? Like what?

                    DAD

        Oh, a bunch of things. For example, I can always get one
        To go in sideways through this one apartment window if the
        Wind is blowing just right. You’d think the guy woulda learned
        To close his window by now…

                    JUNIOR

        [AMAZED] Sideways pooping?

                    DAD

        That’s right, my boy! You just sort of fling your hips like this 
        As you’re letting it go. You’ve got years to figure it out. 

                    JUNIOR

        Should I always go to the city for pooping?

                    DAD

        Nah, no need for that, but you are going to want to poop
        On things and animals wherever you are. It’s your nature, so why
        Not poop where the people are?

                    JUNIOR

        That’s a great point, Dad? But what do I tell Mom?

                    DAD

        Oh, she knows what we do, but we just don’t talk about it.
        It’s this whole weird thing. But I’m happy to join you for a 
        Poop-trip whenever you want, son.

                    JUNIOR

        But where does Mom poop?

                    DAD

        Beats me.

        [PAUSE]

        Alright, we’re up to the outskirts of the city. Perfect!
        There’s a parking lot coming up.

                    JUNIOR

        You mean the area down there with all those cars?

                    DAD

        Yeah, you see that long red car with the rectangle on
        Top towards the far side of the parking lot?


                    JUNIOR

        Sure do, Dad!

                    DAD


        Well that rectangle is called a sunroof, and it’s one
        Of my favorite targets. See if you can hit it.

                    JUNIOR

        Should be easy, since I could hit that cow’s head!

                    DAD

        Don’t get cocky,boy! Coulda been beginner’s luck.

                    JUNIOR

        I’ll show you…

SOUND FX - BOMBS AWAY

                    DAD

        It’s got tone. Could be… could be… It is! Direct hit!

                    JUNIOR

        Then why did it disappear? I expected a splat or something.

                    DAD

        That’s the beauty of a sunroof, son, They go inside the car.
        You may not have seen the splat, but something got really
        Nasty.

        [BOTH LAUGH]

                    JUNIOR

        So it’s just a hole in the roof of the car? It’s like it was
        Made for us!

                    DAD

        Yep! And they’re a really challenging target, because 
        Normally they’re moving. This idiot musta left his open…

                    JUNIOR

        Lucky us! Right, Dad?

                    DAD

        That’s right, son.

                    JUNIOR

        So what’s next? I’ve still got plenty in there!

                    DAD

        Me too, son, locked and loaded. Next we’re heading
        To that green patch over there.

                    JUNIOR

        What’s that? It looks like a hole in the city.

                    DAD

        That’s a park. It’s where the people go to pretend 
        They’re animals living in nature. But there’s this one
        Thing i want to show you

                    JUNIOR


        Locked and loaded!

                    DAD

        That’s great, son! Check it out. There’s a guy sitting on 
        A bench. To his left is a plate of chili fries. To his right is an 
        Open coffee. He is reading a newspaper. 

                    JUNIOR

        I see him!

                    DAD

        Your target is the middle of that newspaper. Go!

                    JUNIOR
        
        Okay, here goes!

SOUND FX - BOMBS AWAY

                    DAD

        Could be, could be… It is! Oh that was perfect, son!

                    JUNIOR

        It splattered onto his food and his drink! Did you see it Dad? 
        Did you see it?

                    DAD

        Of course I saw it, son, I’m right here. Like I said, you’re
        A natural. But here I am, holding it, giving you all the good
        Ones.

                    JUNIOR

        You’re right, you should do one!

                    DAD

        I’ve got it! I wanna poop on a cowboy hat! Follow me, son.

                    JUNIOR

        Right behind you, Dad!

                    NARRATOR

        And so, the two birds flew around for hours, emptying their
        Little gizzards wherever suited their fancy, and forming a 
        Father-son bond that would last a lifetime. Always remember,
        Birds suck.

Hope you liked it!

Join us on Friday night for a live performance of this skit and more on Steemstar After Dark! And if you have scenes, stories or songs that you'd like to have featured or read aloud, just lemme know! We need more material!


Where to Find the Awesomeness...

STEEMSTAR Discord Server
STEEMSTAR 24/7 Live Stream
Youtube Stream
Twitch

...Monday evening, midnight UTC, Friday evening, midnight UTC! See. You. There.




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