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Notes From an Amateur Writer #46

This Blog series is an exercise in creative writing. Sometimes expressed in short story form, sometimes as a journal, or just my thoughts written down. It is a nursery of sorts for the stories that are on their way, or yet to be written.

This is post 14 in @dragosroua's January 30 day writing challenge.

Why Do I Write?

In the most recent episode in the Notes From an Amateur Writer I wrote a tale about the relationship between an unnamed individual and an internal state of beingness he had been inflicted with for the duration of his life. I put the word madness in the title, although this is a subjective description, and one that I have thrown at myself from time to time. I wouldn't throw it in anyone else's direction. So one can deduce that the unnamed character is based very much on myself. It's meant to be a positive story, given the changes that have presented themselves in his life, and the understanding that he comes to through dialogue.

Yes, at it's heart, it is a tale of disappointment and upset. Upset at his inability to just accept what is (his perceived trauma induced characteristics), and the mood swings he has been inflicted with for so long. Now none of that was visible in the story, unless you are very good at reading between the lines. But that was a bit of back story, and I didn't want to info dump.

I realised after I had written it that it actually was a positive story. I think sometimes, at least with me, something clicks in my mind and I am not always aware of it, yet out of it something develops. Usually a story I am happy with. Or something of that nature. Yet what was it that had produced that new understanding, that resolution, even if it was minor and initially went undetected?

Putting the Pieces Back Together Again

@snowmachine has written a few pieces on how she has handled her PTSD (or more precisely C-PTSD). I have been reading through these posts over the last few days and found myself comprehending her plight, and respecting the changes and growth that have come from her journey. I wanted to make note of this and give credit for her writings on the topic, because it did lead to yesterdays piece of writing. It has also produced some new and interesting questions in my own mind about how to move forward on certain delicate issues.

So now to the question I posed at the start – why do I write? Sometimes I feel that my writing is a conversation between parts of myself. A hidden and not-so hidden part. Sometimes I feel it is a search for understanding. Sometimes I feel that I will just explode if I don't write, if I don't tell the stories inside of me. But I don't want to just spew out blackness. I do want to create words that matter, that touch people, that bring some sense of hope, even if they grow out of a soil that is laden with despair. There is always hope. Writing has shown me that. It is a way out of the trap of despair, loneliness, and confusion. Imagination is the gift of childhood, and writing allows me an excuse to return to that time in a positive way.

I make a choice to write. It's not something I am forced to do. It is therefore an act of freedom, and an act of defiance against that inner voice that whispers ugly words into my psyche. That inner voice is still there, but he's the prize fighter who has lost what he once had. He doesn't punch with the same ferocity he once did. I know – he doesn't pull his punches, but I can take them easier than I once could.

He is learning to accept his diminished role. He is learning to accept that dialogue is now required. And I am learning to accept that only I can bring him healing. Writing has taught me that. He does show up in many of my stories (I think he secretly enjoys that).

I write because I have words that need to be written. I write to make my world a better place – and from that yours too. I write to entertain. I write because creation and destruction need each other to survive. I don't get it, but that is what I have learnt from writing.

Besides, it's also a lot of fun.

Images from unsplash.com and used with permission.

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