When I was younger I really had no idea what boundaries meant. My friends would sometimes mention the word, but I didn't really understand the need for them. I used to feel like it was a negative thing that meant pushing people away or being difficult. As a people pleaser, I would never like to set boundaries or stop people from taking things too far. I also had a very submissive relationship with my step father, and a strong emotional need for approval from my Mother. She was able to control me and have a very strong effect with her words.
I have tried many kinds of therapy and workshops like Louise Hay -You Can Heal Your Life, Core Energetics, and plenty of talking! I also attended workshops with Drunvalo Melchizedek and learned about entities and how to remove them with compassion. At that workshop Drunvalo worked on me and pulled out what he later described to me as "5 Jelly Fish like energies / entities". My body was flipping about out of my control as he did this extraction, and at that time I was very aware of the feeling that I had been invaded by a foreign energy, and it was draining me dry! This was a symptom of my lack of personal boundaries. I have since learned the important of boundaries and am continuing to learn how to set them and when to set them, and I would like to share this with you on this 6th Initiation.
It's good to remember that whenever we set boundaries, there is always a consequence, and we should understand this whilst we consider which boundaries to set. Once you understand what boundaries are, you can become aware of the dynamics between people a bit more, and make more conscious choices about who we spend time with, and at which point we decide to remove ourselves from a social situation or dynamic. Not having boundaries is in fact the source of great suffering, as are poorly defined or inappropriate boundaries.. Boundaries can be confusing and mis-understood due to religious conflicts, such as the notion of oneness, or due to family enmeshment where a dominant parent prevents their child from asserting their boundaries or is made to feel shame for trying to do so. Boundaries can be physical or emotional, and learning how to set boundaries is an important step in your spiritual development, so please do read on and why not try out the Initiation at the end!
WHEN ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
You may be involved with boundary issues by someone 'tress-passing' in your personal space without your consent or by an emotional co-dependency or enmeshment, mostly likely with a family member. Either way, it is up to you to do something about it and set a boundary. Only then can you take control of a situation that may not be in your or others best interest. In cases of abuse or tress-pass you have to set a boundary so that you can prevent any further abuse or conflict. People often project their ideas and feelings onto you, and they may not fit! This can be extremely dis-empowering, and if you cannot maintain a healthy boundary you can end up being entangled in someones else's dramas. If you are very co-dependent then you may not even know what your own feelings are since you will have taken on all of the ideas and values from someone else. It can be a long and difficult path to take the first step to setting boundaries in a co-dependent relationship, but the results come very quickly if you are able to set them in a clear and clean way. We don't need an excuse or reason to set a boundary, we just have to set it!
SIGNS THAT YOU NEED TO MAKE HEALTHIER BOUNDARIES
- Going against personal values or rights in order to please others
- Giving as much as you can for the sake of giving
- Taking as much as you can for the sake of taking
- Letting others define you
- Expecting others to fill your needs automatically
- Feeling bad or guilty when you say no
- Not speaking up when you are treated poorly
- Falling apart so someone can take care of you
- Falling "in love" with someone you barely know or who reaches out to you
- Accepting advances, touching and sex that you don't want
- Touching a person without asking
HOW TO RECOGNIZE IF YOUR BOUNDARY BEING CROSSED
It is not always obvious to people that a boundary has been crossed, especially if it has become normal for tress-pass to happen in all areas of life. A dominant boss may cross everyones boundaries, but people will react in different ways. What is important is to be able to recognize when someone is overstepping the line, so that you can take the appropriate action. If you work or live with a dominant person, this may need to be tackled with some tact and humor, but even just a simple comment can indicate a line has been crossed without having to make a big deal about it.
The main compass is your emotion on this. You know how you feel, and if you recognize the feeling of wrongness whilst you are talking with someone then you need to act on it. Less is usually more, and subtle changes to your body language or even just taking a step back can send a very clear but non violent message to whoever you are dealing with. You can use your body language as well as your words to indicate your dissatisfaction. Words are best delivered in a simple and non blaming way. Things like
"What you said to me was really offensive to me, and I would like an apology"
Are much better than:
" I can't believe you just said that, you are an asshole, you better appologise"
The skills of how to set boundaries will come once you start practicing setting them and being honest with yourself. Identifying a boundary being crossed is really the easy part of the process. Setting boundaries can be the real challenge for people, so I would like so share some ideas and thoughts on this.
HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES
1. Self esteem.
It's a simple fact that just the act of setting a boundary will improve your self esteem. The first step to change is admitting our weaknesses. (After all, what's the point of saying we want to grow if we're not going to be honest with ourselves about where we are now?) Your boundaries represent your values and are representative of how much or little you respect yourself. Your boundaries are your friend and ally.
2. Decide what your core values are.
Who are you really? What are your core values? From this you can determine what you are comfortable with and what you are not. For Example I don't like to be disturbed whilst I am eating or cooking so I always tell people to please wait and talk to me after I am finished. Since I am clear on my boundary before hand I am able to quickly and efficiently respond to any tress-pass, to nip it in the bud!
3. Change comes from yourself, not by trying to change others.
We cannot change others. People can only choose to change themselves, and we are not responsible for what people say and do. When we really realise this, we can learn how to change the way we deal with people, rather than trying to change people. "They may be motivated to change if their old ways no longer work."
4. Decide the consequences ahead of time.
If you know how you feel and what your values are, and also know how you will react to a trespass of them, it makes everything so much easier. Many people don't set boundaries simply because they are not sure of what to do in the moment and end up doing nothing. If you have a clear response or action planned ahead of time, you will quickly and effectively be able to set a boundary. An example of this would be, if someone who keeps calling you, you can pre determine that if they call more than three times you will let them know that you do not wish to receive any more calls that day. Then when that third call comes, you will know what to say right away! The best way to figure out your own boundaries and consequences when people cross them is to just write down some of the ways people do overstep your boundaries and then write how you would like to handle it the next time it happens. This all about you and not about judging any one else values or actions.
5. Actions speak louder than words.
If someone is overstepping a boundary of yours, you can just take action rather than explain what why you are doing something. For example, you can just choose not to pick up the phone or reply to a message when you are eating or relaxing rather than answering and explaining you are busy. Sometimes your action is enough, and it's always worth setting boundaries in the most quick and easy way. Remember, people will test your boundaries. You'll know you're getting good at it when you don't get upset and just set your limits very clearly and calmly. When your boundaries are your core beliefs, it makes it easy to enforce them.
6. Stick to your word.
The most important part of setting boundaries is just HOW you communicate your needs. You can have the most healthy set of boundaries in principal, but if you do not communicate them clearly and directly, you will most likely have confused relationships and misunderstandings. Say what you mean and mean what you say and then get ready for your life to change!
7. Start small.
Like any new skill, assertively communicating your boundaries takes practice. Starting with a small boundary that isn’t threatening to you, and then incrementally increasing to more challenging boundaries is a safe and manageable way to start. Build upon your success, and try not to take on something that feels overwhelming.”
8. Give yourself permission.
Fear, guilt and self-doubt are big potential pitfalls. We might fear the other person's response if we set and enforce our boundaries. We might feel guilty by speaking up or saying no to a family member. Many believe that they should be able to cope with a situation or say yes because they're a good daughter or son, even though they feel drained or taken advantage of. We might wonder if we even deserve to have boundaries in the first place. Boundaries aren't just a sign of a healthy relationship; they're a sign of self-respect. So give yourself the permission to set boundaries and work to preserve them.
ONENESS VS SEPARATENESS
If we are on the spiritual path and are learning to understand what oneness is, and that we are all connected then we really need to understand the importance of boundaries. The teachings of Buddha say we aren't separate, so why would I need boundaries? We need to be clear that boundaries are about honouring all involved and not about creating separateness. In fact by setting appropriate boundaries you can reach much deeper levels of surrender and love with a partner or teacher.
Meditation practice can be very beneficial for developing your ego in a healthy way, which will help you to set appropriate boundaries. A healthy ego helps with the frustration, uncertainty, and pain of spiritual practice and greatly aids in transforming humiliation into humility. And at each step of your enlightenment, whether it comes all at once or gradually, you still have to integrate what you've learned into daily life, which requires a healthy ego with good boundaries.
BOUNDARY EXERCISES
Try this four-step boundary practice to help you learn to set appropriate boundaries.
1. Recognize
Practice being mindful of your emotional body. This is how you learn to recognize when something is wrong or potentially wrong, even if you can't identify what it is. When you experience a major boundary violation, you may go into a kind shock, feeling disassociated, confused, powerless, or at fault. This is your internal alarm going off. Just notice this feeling so that you can use it as a boundary activating switch.
2. Recollect and be emotionally present
To recollect, feel your feet on the floor, feel your hands, and find your breath. Making specific observations about these physical phenomena requires that you be present in the moment. Once you're in your body, you can feel the physical sensations associated with your emotions, which then helps you be emotionally present.
3. Discern
Consciously acknowledge that a boundary is being breached and that you have the right to protect yourself. At this point, you know that something feels wrong emotionally, you are present in your body, and you've confirmed that you don't have to feel this way. Sometimes you will be able to name the violation, other times you won't; you just know that something is not right from the gut feeling.
4. Act
Now you're ready to take action, to protect yourself verbally or physically as skillfully as possible. Mindfulness meditation and other practices can be helpful in building your capacity to recognize and recollect. When you act, it's essential to honor your own boundary. What you do may or may not be effective in the moment, but you're initiating a change in a pattern . You should always act rationally, not reactively. This may mean walking away from a confrontation, changing the subject on an inappropriate topic, or confronting the situation directly. This doesn't mean getting angry or start preaching to those you perceive as violators. It's almost always better to protect yourself in the moment without judgment because this isn't about one person being right or wrong.
Whilst you are doing this you can think about the events that led up to this. Did you set this up by going outside the normal boundary, only have someone else to go even further beyond your limit? Did you keep giving up more and more, bit by bit, until it led to a major violation?
DO THE WORK AND WATCH THE RESULTS
Once you have established strong, clear boundaries, people will give you more respect. This means you can be yourself to a greater extent, asking for what you really want and need without fear of judgment. Emotional manipulators will back off and in their place sustainable, loving relationships will thrive. Bear in mind that those close to you may not be fully supportive in your attempts to change. They have been used to the old ways of doing things. As with any life change, extending boundaries has a price, and this may be losing acquaintances along the way. Of course, those relationships that are worth having will survive, and grow stronger. As time goes on, your boundaries may require updating. Perhaps the time you can give to others is much more limited after starting a new relationship or having a baby. Therefore this is an ongoing process that is more a way of being rather than a single action that needs to be taken in certain situations.
I hope you have learned as much as I have writing this. It's been really helpful to me to research and write this post, as I still have a long way to go before I can say that I am able to set my boundaries all the time. Nevertheless, I am MUCH better at it than i used to be. There was a time when i could not say NO to anyone, and it got me and others into all sorts of trouble! Now I can say NO and not feel guilty, and know that it is helping us all in the long run to finding a healthy balance between our needs and the needs of others.
Oh before I go, did you hear about the meditation-challenge here on Steemit? Please do check this link out and join us in making our 2018 more peaceful, joyful and prosperous!
/@eco-alex/7-day-meditation-challenge-everyone-wants-to-meditate-but-no-one-actually-does-it-join-us-today
SOURCES:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personal_boundaries
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-13176/6-steps-to-set-good-boundaries.html
https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/
https://www.essentiallifeskills.net/personalboundaries.html
PLEASE SEE THE PREVIOUS 5 INITIATIONS LINKED BELOW
Initiation 1: What Is The Greatest Conspiracy Theory?
Initiation 2: The meaning of life and why are we really here! A Story of Enlightenment Trading Ethereum
Initiation 3: The Path To Enlightenment, Knowing Synchronicity
Initiation 4: The Path To Enlightenment, Who am I?
Initiation 5: The Path To Enlightenment, Put Apart The I
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