Chia seeds, we are told, are a superfood, a laxative, a blood thinner. But don't be fooled...
What they don't tell you is that these things are Evil.
During a previous and ill-thought-out 'health kick', I purchased a packet of these beasties. My experience included adding one tablespoon to a modified bread recipe, turning what ought to have been a delicious and spongy loaf into one of tongue scraping misery and gumline abuse.
This packet languished at the back of my cupboard, hiding. Not content with ruining my bread recipe, they waited, plotting their revenge.
Yesterday, I decided to make my usual raw egg smoothie but wanted to pep it up a bit with some vanilla extract. This was stored near the back of my cupboard.
Accidentally I dislodged the so-called resealable packet of chia seeds. These bastards went EVERYWHERE! Not a centimetre of my poor kitchen was spared. They landed in my egg smoothie (destroying it). No amount of blending took these fuckers out. I may as well have added a cup of gravel to my lovely smoothie. Needless to say, most of it had to be tipped down the sink.
The nightmare continues...
The nightmare was not over though. My hand-held vacuum was no match for these tiny demons. Their density is comparable only with that of a neutron star. I had to manually de-seed my kitchen, my coffee machine, the drawer beneath the cupboard, the spaces between my floor tiles and even my cleavage.
This may seem like nothing but there were casualties. Two sponges and an innocent microfibre cloth were irreparably damaged during the clean-up process. These micro-devils buried themselves into every spongy pore and bonded permanently with every microfibre loop.
Not only that, these creatures must have the ability to levitate and hide. They wait for the victim to be under the illusion they've contained the carnage and regained control over their environment.
This morning, a naïve and caffeine-deficient version of me entered the kitchen. As my eyes started to focus, I noticed an unsightly spattering. Here and there, these mocking bastards were blatantly hanging out on my kitchen worktop.
If you know what's good for you, please please please think twice before allowing them into your home. Be careful, friends.
You've been warned.
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