The Journey

What usually takes 13 hours took me four days. At every hotel, intersection, gas station, layover, train car, diner, store and shop I experienced a comforting dose of human empathy, as well as turnpikes and detours away from the nice and easy journey I so desperately hoped for.

I don't remember any camera crews in the tunnel. I recall wondering to myself and out loud to Amanda why there were none, but apparently they had snuck in because I was recognized everywhere in both states. People kept coming to me and telling me how glad they were I was alive. And the ones that did not say anything stared steadily at me, with looks of disbelief and compassion. I know I looked a wreck; granted I had showered and changed out of the clothes from the accident, but I could see the reflection of how I felt in the wide eyed gazes from passersby. I realized my eyes were suspended in a permanent wide eyed state themselves, and probably openly reflected the horrors I was experiencing behind them. I know I was pale and gaunt, I have lost pounds from the stress and not being able to stomach more than a few bites a day for the first five. But mostly it was as if the shock was reflecting from my very aura for all to see. Showcasing images with a scrolling commentary for those around me like a television screen hovering above me everywhere I went.

Everyone was kind and extra gentle. I know they did not know what to do and it saddened them, but just their gentle natures and compassionate words did a world of help. I needed gentle and easy. Anything more would have overloaded my circuits and sent me into a whirlwind of crazy.

After spending the night at a hotel in a tiny town in Oregon following the five hour panic attack drive, I awoke to almost a foot of snow. Winter Storm Polly had released a temper tantrum in the night, and was killing a lot of people across the nation according to the Weather Channel. Do not drive unless you have to came the minute by minute warnings. I was quickly running out of money. I was tired and exhausted and just wanted to be done already. I had snow chains, but there was no way I could drive in my condition in these new weather conditions. I was stuck. And I cried. There was nothing else to do.

Everything had been ripped from me. My beloved Jeep I had worked so hard for was in pieces, alone and hurt in a wasteland of other broken cars who were once loved and a part of something. I was alone and broken in the middle of nowhere Oregon, sealed off from the possibility of comfort by a mean bully storm hell bent on keeping me away from anything I recognize.

Who the hell names a deadly storm Polly anyway? Polly is a sweet gal who saves kittens, not a vicious widow making blizzard! Polly plays cards and never ever cheats, she doesn't destroy lives!

Mr. S decided he was going to rent a helicopter and skydive to my location, then drive me the rest of the way. Between the two of us, with limited internet going out at intervals due to the bad parts of the storm hitting us both at different times all morning, we were able to come up with a plan. When the storm passed and the roads were cleared by the plows, I would drive 200 miles to the nearest big town with an Amtrak station. I didn't like it. The roads would still be icy and I was already gun shy. I wanted to give up. Just lay down and give up. I was so psychologically exhausted. But, I had to do what I had to do.

Hours later I was on the road, pissing off truckers with my slow rate of speed. But whatever- there were patches of ice, lots of them, and it's my life and I was not there to risk it.

An hour I was fast approaching a white out storm. There was nothing but an abandoned gas station. I pulled in near and turned off the Ford. I pictured being blanketed in snow, not found for days. I was glad I had hosted the Steemit Snowpocalypse Challenge, which had brought vehicle survival tips back into the forefront of my consideration. I wanted to just turn back and hole up in the hotel until I ran out of money- which would be in two or three days at this rate. I wanted to just give up right then and there. If someone found me let them do the thinking and decision making for me. Should I go forward? Wait it out? Go back?

A dually passed me on the road and was swallowed by the storm. I had seen him checking the last two rest stops, and I assumed he must be a safety minded community member who checks for problems or people in distress during storms. I made a split second decision to get behind him. He offered a beacon of safety to me. But, as far as I know he was a nobody and could not save me! But, my mind decided he was my hope so I kept his taillights straight ahead.

The relief when I reached the city literally felt like it washed over me. The storm had been hectic, blowing my SUV all over the road, stabbing my already jangled nerves into an open mess of raw electrical wires- ready to jolt at the slightest provocation. The town was sunny and melting and dripping, the people were bustling and busy. The town of Bend felt jolly and in absolute ignorance of all the death and pain in the valleys and mountains surrounding them.

Half of my childhood was spent in Europe, where train travel is as normal as walking to the market every day. I love the train. One of my favorite sounds is the whistle, and the chu-chunk chu-chunk of the train over the rails lulls me into a meditative bliss. I bought a ticket to Seattle leaving in the morning and a hotel for the night.

I returned the Ford to the Enterprise across the street. She asked why I didn't make it to Seattle. "I just can't do it anymore- it's too soon." I told her about what had happened just the other day.

"Oh my," she said. "I heard about that. I am so happy you are alive." She looked at me with that look I have grown accustomed to these last few days- a look of shock that I do not look worse and that I am actually standing before her, a look of care, a look of wishing she knew what to say or what to do. "I understand exactly what you are feeling. So many times I will drive a car out to the accident site, and the customer will get in and soon after tell me never mind, just take me home. I can't drive right now."

I went to the hotel and laid down, so sore from the drive. I turned on the television for mental distraction and tested my boys that I would call them here in a little bit after I was settled in for the night. I figured I would relax my body for twenty minutes, then go to one of the nearby diners for some much needed sustenance- I hadn't eaten all day as that tiny town I was stuck in was snowed in with everything closed.

I suddenly woke up at 8:50 pm! I had slept for four hours! I scrambled to call delivery places- they all told me they had stopped delivering after 5 pm tonight because everything had suddenly froze. And I was in canvas driving shoes, there was no way I was going to maneuver the ice and snow on foot. Luckily I had salvaged a few road snacks because I was starving. I took a bath, called a local Taxi for the early morning pick up to the Amtrak bus that would take me to the train two hours away, and video chatted with my boys- it was the first time I had seen them since before the wreck.

The United States may have the largest rail network in the world, but it is nowhere near the best, and this saddens me greatly. They are slow, costly and inefficient compared to Europe and the Asias. But I had been correct in my thinking- the train would be cathartic for me. My Conductor was amazing, the views from my window, and that of the spectacular Observation car were spectacular and breathtaking. And the easy chatting between fellow passengers amongst the sway and lull of the sounds of the train was like a spa day for my psyche. It was 14 hours of meditation. If you have never been on a train, I urge you to do so. One of my dreams is to take a cross America train journey, just me and my laptop, and write the Great American Novel from the rails, fueled by sparks of conversation and shared stories in the communal Dining Car and inspired by the wondrous scenery lumbering by the picturesque windows.

I made it. And so glad I finally took the train. I have a lot of recovery, especially mentally, but I made it this far :) I got this.

Remember to be easy on yourself after difficult events. A lot goes on in the mind and body and we have a tendency to be harder on ourselves than we are on anyone else. You deserve lovingkindness and a great big compassionate hug <3

A special shoutout to the wild and wonderful @mariannewest, thank you for your special shoutout <3 You are a sweetheart and warmed my heart- it means a lot :) Check out the #Freewrite my Sister-from-another-Mister hosts daily, they will help hone your writing skills and train your brain to be more creative and faster.

Part 1-My Near Death Experience
Part 2- the Accident Aftermath
Part 3- Subtract the D from PTSD but Your Brain is Still Scrambled
Part 4-How to Heal Mind and Body After an Accident & Helpful Advice for Your Loved Ones
Part 4.5 What to Expect With Concussions and Traumatic Brain Injury
Part 5- The Tunnel. A Real Life Horror

Trigger warning- graphic and raw.

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Thank you so much for your support and kind words. You have my heart my Steemit tribe. I love you guys. Your support and encouragement is truly healing and comforting, and I am so grateful I have you <3

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Images via Pexels and Pixabay