Love creates requests, not demands. Are you expressing your desires by requests or demands?
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This picture is too extreme but it's the best I could find 😏
Love Language: Words of Affirmation
Dialect 3: Words of Humbleness
Often times, when we get comfortable with our partners, we tend to be blunt and straight forward. Instead of asking "Darling, can you make salad tonight?" but you said "Canned food again!?" and we don't realize these small little thorns will eventually accumulate and become sources of arguments.
We seek understanding from our partners, that they need to understand our desires and we understand theirs as well. However, the manner we convey our desires is exceedingly important.
A request offers a choice to our partner, that they are doing something we value and they have the right to decide. That we are of equal standing. Our partner act out of love, because love is always a choice.
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A demand closes off the possibility of choice. We become the commander, and our partner become the foot soldiers. They have to act according to the command out of fear or guilt. Never out of love.
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The consequences between a request and a demand is a world of difference, yet the border of execution is separated by thin, fine line. A desire can easily be expressed in demand if not controlled.
A simple real-life example between me and my boyfriend.
Me: Open the door
Boyfriend: opens the door
Me: Can you open the door?
Boyfriend: Yeah, sure 😊 opens the door
Result is the same, My boyfriend opens the door for me. But his expression and feeling is different. Which would you feel better hearing? Demand or Request?
Of course Request right! Here's how to express your desires in the form of request.
Useful tips
- If you are the kind of person that speaks without thinking, this is a challenge to you. First, you need to be conscious of what you speak to your partner.
- Add the question "Can you ..." in front of all your desires.
- Look from a new point of view, "When my partner expresses his/her desires, it's a hint for me to express my love"
- I personally reflect on most of the things I said to my boyfriend. If there is a demand I said unconsciously, I will apologize and determine to not repeat it again.
- Write down the demands and requests you've said daily and review them with your partner.
Q: What are your most common desires that should be requested but they were conveyed as demands?
This Relationship Tips series include practical how's and what's of speaking your partner's love language. If your partner's love language is Physical Touch and Quality Time, I will share firsthand experiences of what I've done and its results :)
Relationship Tips is one of my initiative to help people improve their relationship based on a book I was reading The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman and my experiences.
Check out my series here:
Relationship Tips #1: Know Your Partner's Love Language Here!
Relationship Tips #2: How to keep the love tank full, or most of the time full?
Relationship Tips #3: Is This "In Love" or "Real Love"?
Relationship Tips #4:How to Express Love with Words of Encouragement
Relationship Tips #5: How to Express Love with Words of Kindness
I believe having a good relationship will carve a positive path in all areas of your life. This belief is backed up by an 80 year-old research by Harvard University.
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