How to Be Supportive When You Don't Know What to Do

You know how difficult it is to ask for help, so you can understand how others feel when they are in need.

Stress causes substantial levels of anxiety, irritability, exhaustion and other negative ramifications, both physically and emotionally. There comes a time we all need a shoulder, and you know how needed and appreciative you were when a shoulder was supporting you.

You can probably remember how difficult you made it for your loved ones to help, too. Maybe not on purpose, but it still happens. When we allow stress to overwhelm us it can create disconnection and tension in even the closest relationships.

Sometimes we are feeling so down about ourselves that we push people away, but there are times that we just don't know what we need. The same goes for our loved ones when they are overwhelmed with stress or grief.

When we provide our loved ones with emotional support, we create a deeper bond. As ironic as it seems, when stress makes people more distant, irritable and argumentative, that is when they need us the most.

Your attitude and approach can help or hinder healing. Keep these things in mind and you will be a living stress reliever, full of patience, support, and understanding.

Don't ask "what do you need?" There is a good chance they may not know, or can't tell you. Remember- the weight of the world is on their shoulders and they probably need far too much to narrow it down right now. Instead, ask "what can I do for you?" This open ended question will limit the answer "nothing". This simple question is more powerful and begs a response, prompting them to think of something which you can easily do right now that would be uber helpful.

Touch may not be an option in certain circumstances. But if it is, it is the single most powerful supportive gesture. Human touch lowers blood pressure, calms anxiety (unless the person is triggered by touch, when in doubt- ask) and helps the body secrete serotonin and other calming hormones that bring about a sense of well-being. In our increasingly disconnected world, most people are touch starved. A hug is a powerful tool. A simple hand on the hand of the person struggling can give them an inner sense of knowing they are not alone.
Be mindful of your tone. Half of communication is visual and half is visual cues. Speaking in a gentle and sincere tone will show your person you are coming from a caring place, and they will be able to share and "let go" of more, which is what is needed to start the healing process.
Be respectful and compassionate. If someone dumped them, now is not the time to verbally bash the offender. It will not help the griever and could even make things worse. Commiserate and nod gently as needed. And if you must disagree about something, do so in a kind and caring way, now is not the time to start arguing.
Don't judge. You may not understand but never judge. Remember that it is impossible to understand something unless you have lived through it yourself.
Don't take it personally. When someone is suffering they can react unfavorably or shut down. Understand this is not necessarily in reaction to you personally, but a natural state due to "survival" hormones in an acute response of protection. Never try to make someone respond how you think they should, or be hurt when they don't. If the way you are trying to communicate is not working just let it go and try to gently find a different style that works.
Listen. Sometimes you cannot say or do anything to help. But just by being there, and listening to them, you will be supporting them more than you know. Knowing you are being heard is soothing and nurturing.
Go as slow as they need, but know when to push. There are stages to healing, but at some point lying in bed all day starts to become unhealthy. Listen for cues, and trust your instincts. And know that sometimes you may need outside help so talk with your doctor or a phone in helpline for advice or a different perspective.

Take care of you, too. When you are supporting someone in emotional pain, you need to be careful not to fall into the same spiral. The old saying "misery loves company" rings true- sadness can be contagious. Take care of your emotional needs by talking with someone who can be your shoulder. This will not only ease your burden, but also clarify your caregiving actions and approach. You cannot be anything for anyone until your needs are met and you are healthy and emotionally stable.

Emotional support is about helping to lift someone to higher ground so they can see their way through the dark path.

When your approach is sincere, compassionate, and wrapped in an attitude of hope, you create a space where they are comfortable talking about anything that is going on- inside and out- and help them through the dark times.

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