Toughen Up!

Times are really tough right now. My stress level is through the roof, I even have what I am lovingly referring to as "stress bumps"- tiny bumps on the meridians of my knuckles- and it's not because of Christmas. I wish it was because of Christmas! Life threw me a curve ball, knocked me on my ass, then stomped on my face with a golf shoe while I was down.

Did adults ever tell you to "toughen up" or "don't be a baby"? Why do people tell that to children? Children are supposed to be nurtured and allowed to be who they are, to experience life in their already fragile young growing state, and to know that we are here for them. We are supposed to help them develop and provide the tools and guidance for them to learn how to deal with the curve balls. If a child is hurt or crying, it's not because they are not tough, its because it freaking hurts! Pain is real!

If a parent, teacher or coach tells a child to tough it out because they do not have the patience to comfort while the child is in pain, is that not abuse? Or at the very least neglect?

I cannot remember anyone telling me to toughen up as a child, but that's not to say it didn't happen. Something must have happened because I have a very difficult time asking for help. I know it's partly to do with the fact many people have let me down in my adult life, or not done what they said they were going to do, but that cannot be the only reason I have a difficult time counting on others.

Pain is real, whether it's physical or psychological. I'm sure most of us wouldn't dare tell each other to toughen up if we're suffering, so why are children told this so often? This dumbfounds me. The child is not weak, they are responding to the thing that just happened to them naturally. If there are tears, that is how their body needs to process the occurrence at the time.

Life is tough. Adulting is difficult. When we grow up we have an awful lot of responsibilities. Many hardships and disappointments. Yes, of course we have many many good things, but that is beside the point ;)

If I were to tell you, right now, to toughen up, it would do harm. You would actually feel a pseudo-physical sting. You would lose trust in me. You would lose confidence in me. And you will question your own feelings, even if only a little. And what good will any of that do for you?

Children need a secure foundation. Life will toughen them up, that's a guarantee. Telling a child to do it will not make them stronger. It actually has some negative consequences.

If you are told to toughen up, you learn to hide your feelings. You grow up believing feelings like sadness or hurt need to be squashed and hid like a pilfered copy of Playboy. You learn to associate shame with those feelings because you are not able to consciously "toughen up", especially if you are too young to even know how to differentiate and accurately define what it is you are feeling. Suppressing your emotions becomes a learned behavior, and later as an adult you are clueless how to help someone who is struggling because you lack the ability to deal with your own feelings. If you had to push aside your own emotions in an effort to "toughen up" you will never learn how to deal with them in a healthy manner, much less understand someone else's pain. It inhibits our capability to extend compassion- to our selves and others.

Communication is key. Listen compassionately and do not judge. Help the child identify the feeling, so that you can give them the tools to deal with the pain in a healthy manner. Helping our little ones understand their realities will help them understand their world so they may relate to it and each other in a healthy and meaningful way. This will show you care, and this will address the manner in a way that will benefit them for their entire life.

Then when they grow up they will have the freedom to know how to ask for help when they need it and avoid a maddening case of the stress bumps ;)

Happy Saturday my friends!

Images via Pixabay and Unsplash

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