This is Part 2 of a community-written sci-fi parody serial.
Part 1: Steem Wars: No, I Would Not Recommend This Product, by @tanglebranch
Part 2: In Space, No One Can Hear Your Spleen (this thing you're reading now)
Part 3: Steemwars - To Shoot or Not to Shoot, Never the Question, by @jasonbu
Part 4: Steemwars - For Whom the Toenails, by @tanglebranch
Our mission:
As delivered by @gmuxx, The Time Lord: Your crew is to visit the Spleen system and investigate a time-space-interface anomaly, which interferes with Strawberro 9's atmosphere.
Our crew:
Galacdictator Tangle (@tanglebranch): Character profile here
Underlord Negavader (@negativer): Character profile here
Byepeex Reist-Stoomtrooper Destroyer (@jasonbu): Character profile here
Sixty-Wine (@caleblailmusik): Character profile here
On Board: The Intangible
Perfector Class War Vessel
Serial Number BYOB-9021-O
Location: The beam-me-down room.
"Beam me down, Sixty-Wine."
I looked at him. He did not respond, in large part because he was a disassembled box of parts.
I sighed.
My robot compatriot had shipped himself to our Fearless Galacdictator cloaked in an Ikeazon box. More likely than not he had consumed the case of wine that was the previous inhabitant of his temporary cardboard residence and had disassembled himself in regret.
Sixty-Wine was a passionate robot, but prone to bouts of self-loathing after making bad decisions.
Such as joining up with Galacdictator Tangle on her quest to rule the galaxy. A bad decision I was guilty of as well.
I strode from the Bridge after receiving orders from the boss. She, in turn, had received her orders from Dr. Muxx, the Time Lord. We, in turn, were taking this opportunity to conquer another planet. I, in turn, was doing all the hard work. Sixty-Wine, in turn, was currently buried under a sheaf of propaganda leaflets and was in no position to argue.
Your crew is to visit the Spleen system and investigate a time-space-interface anomaly, which interferes with Strawberro 9's atmosphere.
The orders were vague, but the Time Lord himself was vague. Probably owing to his British heritage. They mostly lived in a fog all their lives.
But this was my mission, and I was honor-bound to carry it out. At least until I could find a way to twist them to my own advantage.
The communicator on my chest chirped, and I touched my nipple.
Nothing happened. Damn. I could never remember what side of my chest I had fastened my communicator to. I touched my other nipple, and it booped, and Galacticpotato Tangle's voice oozed out the tiny speaker like warm honey.
"Underthing Negavader? Are you there?"
"Yes, ma'am." I grimaced. I had almost made it off the ship without having to talk to her.
"Be sure to put on the red shirt when you go down to the surface, will you? You know I can't see you from up here if you're not wearing your red shirt." Her voice was sweet, sugary. I almost got diabetes.
"Yes, ma'am." I tapped my nipple again, and she shut up.
The viewscreen on the wall showed we were circling the surface of our destination.
Strawberro 9.
Red and purple and white clouds churned with their own internal lusts, but I saw something peeking from the dense cover that tweaked my own lusts as well. Was that a nipple? I was no expert, but that looked super nippley. Super duper nippley. Surely I was just reading into it after all the nipple-tapping of a moment ago.
After a few tense heartbeats, I could see exactly what it was. Holy damn.
"Uh. Sixty-Wine. We ought to get down to the surface so we can see what's going on. There are some huuuuge...tracts of land down there. I think we should go investigate."
Sixty-Wine said nothing, which is his best feature. I set the beaming thingy to beam me down to the surface, grabbed my box of friend parts, and hopped onto the transport platform. I set my phasers to stun.
Maybe I could find someone on the surface who'd be willing to join up and help me in this mission. Someone big, and dumb, and handsome. Someone to distract Galactictaco Tangle.
My spirits lightened as I was teleported away from my boss and down to the surface.
To be continued....
WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW MORE?
STEEM Wars is the brainchild of @gmuxx. It is a community creativity parody project with a sci-fi basis. Read more in the following links:
Also, I suggest @jasonbu and @caleblailmusik assemble entries for comedy open mic round 13 as well.
Steemwars graphic by @gmuxx
Title image by @negativer using Canva and movie still from The Chronicles of Riddick
Planet image from Pixabay.
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A great community of writers there, helping each other get better at what they enjoy doing.