What if all we know
turns out to be vain and false?
Would we change ourselves?
Cori MacNaughton
Two of my very favorite words in the English language are, "What if?," which pretty much anyone who has known me for very long is well aware of, and go a long way toward explaining why my last marriage didn't work, and why this one does.
In my last marriage, if I started a sentence with "What if," my then-husband would groan, figuring (incorrectly) that this meant he was going to have to "fix" something, instead of taking it simply as an intellectual exercise, or as a way of brainstorming . . . which he usually loved, but only if he initiated it.
By contrast, if I start out by saying "What if," with Marek, he gets jazzed, because he gets it, he gets me, and some of our favorite conversations have started out this way.
I don't know who first said to marry someone you love to talk to, but they were absolutely right, because we have so much fun together talking that I can't even imagine not having that any more. And he's extremely smart, insatiably curious (as am I), and is absolutely hilarious, which never hurts. ;-)
On the philosophical side, as a long time seeker of truth, I have in fact found my conventions and beliefs challenged time and again, and my belief system today barely resembles that from when I was younger.
My personal philosophy can be summed up in a single quote from Shakespeare's Hamlet:
"This above all: to thine own self be true. And it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."
By being true to myself, first and foremost, I am by definition living by the Golden Rule, as treating others as I wish to be treated IS being true to myself.
Am I perfect in this regard? Far from it. But I find that I am much happier than when I was constantly putting others ahead of me, and not even considering my own needs, though I am still finding that an old habit that is easy to fall back into.
As women, this is what our society teaches us, which is a large part of why women remain marginalized as a group. But we can, and must, find ways of taking back our power, and of modeling this for younger women and girls.
I was extremely fortunate in having many smart, strong and funny women in my life, but I have my former mother-in-law to thank for modeling best how to stand up for myself, with integrity and humor. Thank you, Mae.
And men are great as well, with Marek as only one example. I've always had a lot of male friends in my life, have "adopted" a number of brothers along the way, and they have been wonderful to me over the years. And I was blessed in having strong men in my family, and among my parents friends, who modeled well their own integrity and humor.
Which is why I've never been tempted to fall into the "All men are scum" manner of thinking, which is so clearly false; every bit as false as "All women are (fill in your own epithet here)." Any time you make "all," "nothing," "always" or "never" statements, you're wrong out of the starting box, because there will always be so many exceptions as to make the statement meaningless.
Yes, some men act like scum, and yes, some women act horribly as well, but that does not make them scum as people; it only makes them sad, usually quite unhappy, and not worth spending your time with, as they tend to be energy vampires.
But anyone can turn things around, should they choose to do so, and if any one of these people chose to act with integrity, and to be true to themselves, they would then be absolutely worth getting to know. There are no lost cases.
Which brings me back to "What if," not to mention Byron Katie, because a large part of what has brought me so far in my life, particularly in recent years, is regularly questioning my own long-held assumptions.
Because, when all is said and done, they remain simply beliefs, and as Byron Katie points out, there is no empirical way of knowing, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that they are true.
So, in all things, I endeavour to keep an open mind, to read widely, to listen to opposing viewpoints, and to accept the fact that it is entirely possible that even my most cherished beliefs may be proven wrong.
For me it is a humbling, but necessary step, in order to be a fully functioning adult.
And I would love to hear your take in the comments.
King Crimson, "Starless" - Music
I Love Pelicans - Day 69 - Daily Haiku
The First Day of Spring - Day 68 - Daily Haiku
Storm Corrosion, "Storm Corrosion" - Music
Novel Witness - Day 67 - Daily Haiku
Porcupine Tree, "Dark Matter" - Music
Get Off the Couch Now - Day 66 - Daily Haiku
Into My Arms Once - Day 65 - Daily Haiku
Death is Like An Avalanche- Overcoming Grief
Lunatic Soul, "Anymore" - Music
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All words and images are my own. Why a hummingbird? Why not? I took this photo on 20 April 2013, one of many I have taken our our beloved hummingbirds, most likely with my Canon PowerShot SX 30 iS camera.
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