Did you already make an assumption about this post before you started reading this? When you read the words 'Know Everything', did that bring up a specific theme or idea for you? How many assumptions did you make just from the thumbnail and title, before you even started reading!?
Assuming The Worst In Others ᴴᴰ ┇ Assumptions
Making assumptions is a part of life. We learn to make many assumptions as we grow and gain life experience. We learn that people who look a certain way, and act a certain way may well be a threat. We learn to respond to each other, based on what we have learned, and this allows us to engage with life more efficiently. It would take ages to have a conversation with someone if you didn't make a lot of assumptions. Now, what happens when this it out of balance? What happens when our assumptions are wrong, and we didn't even know we had made them!? We often meet resistance and have conflicts because we have assumed something that is not true. In these situations there is a disconnect happening, and our assumptions have major consequences on our thinking, our actions, our perspective of the world and the people we meet. We cannot end our conflicts until we understand our assumptions. Being grounded in truth is a important part of being on the path to enlightenment, and that is why "Assume Nothing" is the penultimate post in this series.
Much of the misery that we suffer in life is due to personal conflicts and miscommunication. I see this happen so often due to wrong assumptions! If we want to have healthy interactions with others then we need to start being aware of the assumptions that we make, and notice how they effect our behaviour and choices. Many of the conflicts that I see originate from an assumption that was made, without too much thought or consideration, and that assumption changed the entire way that the whole situation looked, and resulted in a conflict. A simple example of this is assuming someone has time to talk with you, but they really don't, and so they don't give you the time that you need from them. As a result you get upset that they ignored you. Then the assumptions start, we start forming a story about the situation because we dont have any more information to go on. This is where things can get very twisted, and if we ONLY knew the truth about the situation we would end up with very different conclusions!
Here's an example of an an inner dialogue that could happen with a simple and common interaction. I will call it the A,B,C road to hell, and consists of a few assumptions that are totally wrong, and have significant consequences.
Joe and Sarah - the ABC path to hell
A "Why didn't Joe take the time to talk to me on the phone, he was pretty rude considering I explained it was important and he didn't even make 2 minutes for me.. he just cut me off and said he had to go, goodbye!"
B "Joe is probably just faking being really nice to everyone, just to be popular, i don't even think i like him actually"
C " I deserve to have friends who can make some time for me, this isn't a healthy friendship, Joe is a selfish asshole ..i think im going to stop talking to Joe from now on"
That is just one example, and quite a simple one. When we start to assume things we can really build up a false picture of events. Things can get very sour if the person gets angry about their assumptions and starts hitting out. This can really escalate when our assumptions are based on our projections and triggers. In this example, at point C Sarah has become upset because she feels Joe is selfish and wont make time for her. This is a theme for Sarah, because as a child her dad never made time for her and was always working. So what is happening here is that we pollute the situation with all of our other unresolved emotions, and as a result can get really upset and start making rash decisions. In this example, the simple reason for Joe's abruptness was that He just had his dog put down, and he was grieving his loss. He didn't want to explain that to Sarah, and didn't have any time or space to engage with her.
I see this type of thing happen all the time, especially where I live in a small community with people who speak very different languages and come from very different cultures! We have to take the time to ask, listen, and understand the situation for what it really is. There is rarely just one reason why people behave how they do, and the assumptions we make about them are rarely right. Everyone has their problems, and we all make mistakes! Therefore, if we are going to make ANY assumption about others before we interact with them, maybe it should be"
Joe and Sarah - The ABC to heaven
A "WOw, Joe just hung up on me! That's weird. . Maybe Joe is pushed for time, and has something going on. Why else would he cut me off so quickly?"
B "He's usually really nice to me, and others, i guess he's not OK right now"
C "I'll message him to ask him how he is and then call Sally for help afterwards instead."
It's night and day isn't it! As you can see, this isn't just about a short term change, or improvement. By understanding our assumptions, and own emotional background, we can totally change the major events in our lives. If you are someone who seems to get frustrated with other people, and find it hard make friendships work, this post might just be for you! To help us understand our assumptions I have created a simple exercise and is the Path To Enlightenment Initiation #8
Initiation #8 - Understanding Assumptions
In this exercise you are going to look at a personal example of a conflict that you have had with a friend or partner and see if you can find an assumption that you may have made that might have contributed to the conflict.
- Think of a challenging conflict that you have had, either past or present.
- Now think back to the very beginning of this conflict. The very first time that you felt upset with this person.
- What happened? Think very carefully about the conversation, or actions that happened. Try to remember the words that were actually used, and what caused this conflict from the outset.
- Now put that story down. Close your eyes, Take one deep slow breath, now Come back to the story like it is the first time it happened.
- Write down ANY assumptions that you MAY have made that could have contributed to this conflict. Even if you are not sure about it, just write down as many assumptions that you may have made.
- Keep repeating this for the same conflict. DO it as many times as you can, each time you may remember another small detail.
- You may surprise yourself. If you do please share it with us in the comments!
This can be a very powerful exercise if you find the gold. To be able to find the gold, we do have to be open and willing to playing a part in this conflict. We have to be willing to own some of it, and claim some responsibility for what happened. This can be a hard step for many, but it is the path to empowerment. When we can take responsibility for our assumptions and actions, we are able to admit our mistakes. A person who is aware of their assumptions, projections, and actions is someone who can have rich and deep relationships.
'Assume Nothing' is a simple mantra to repeat and remember. Remind yourself constantly to assume nothing. When you can feel a tension rising, and a conflict brewing, assume nothing. Be aware if you have assumed anything, and listen to your thoughts, and to your feelings. Are you being triggered? Have you somehow triggered them? Assume nothing, ask everything. This is the path to enlightenment!
Going Deeper
If this is interesting to you and you would like to delve a little deeper into it, please watch this video. It is POWERFUL stuff, and well worth the time. We are blessed with youtube, and sometimes we don't realise what gems we have available to us at the click of a button!
PLEASE SEE THE PREVIOUS 7 INITIATIONS LINKED BELOW
Initiation 1: What Is The Greatest Conspiracy Theory?
Initiation 2: The meaning of life and why are we really here! A Story of Enlightenment Trading Ethereum
Initiation 3: The Path To Enlightenment, Knowing Synchronicity
Initiation 4: The Path To Enlightenment, Who am I?
Initiation 5: The Path To Enlightenment, Put Apart The I
Initiation 6: The Path To Enlightenment, Why we need personal boundaries and how to create healthy ones
Initiation 7: 13 Ways To Live A Balanced Life - must read!
Thanks for being here with me and the ecoTrain!
We are a small community that support each other because we love what we write.
check our our ecoTrain magazine at @ecotrain
