Grief is a funny thing. It is one of those things that we will all have to face, at one time or another, but everyone responds to it differently, and some refuse to face it at all. And yet, none of us can skirt the issue forever.
While it is true that some people simply (and sometimes barely) cope, and others fall apart completely, yet others somehow find the seed of something new and unstoppable within themselves, and rise above it, to begin life anew; I did all three. Intensely. And, for a time, seemingly endlessly.
First I coped, and I remember people telling me, "You're handling it so well!" But I'm a quintuple Scorpio, with Cancer rising, and still waters run deep. No one, outside my immediate trusted sphere, knew any differently; but they knew I was far closer to the edge than it seemed to outsiders. I am incredibly blessed to have had their support in that time.
It was the September 11th attacks that first allowed me to really cry, as I was raised in a family of Stoics, and it was a blessing in allowing me to process so much of the grief that had been building inside me. And then after Ted died, I fell apart, and I couldn't stop crying.
Finally, after a LOT of internal work, and time to heal, I finally rose about it all, and became once more my whole self, and in that process, a functioning member of society. I was an empath long before this journey started, and I am blessed to have helped several people to negotiate similar terrain, since having a guide who's been there can help to lighten the load tremendously.
As C.S. Lewis so brilliantly laid out, in "A Grief Observed," everyone grieves differently. But it is our individuality, in combination with our humanity, that makes us authentic, whole, and beautiful. And every journey is sacred.
One of my preferred coping mechanisms, apart from burying my head in the sand and pretending that I no longer exist, is humor; often black humor, or what my mom referred to as "gallows humor." And I am very blessed in that, even in my darkest moments, my sense of humor often came out to play, and kept things from being as dire as they might have otherwise become.
And in truth, the fact that my situation at the time might look patently ridiculous to an outsider, was not lost on me. I understood that, and was able to see the humor myself, even though I was still in pain.
I wrote this poem on 10 April 2005, roughly three years after Ted died, and although I was still having a rough time, I was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and to realize that it was not an oncoming train.
I've included a spoken word version from Sound Cloud, as I am still unable to upload anything to dSound.
Grief Makes Me Stupid
Do you remember the scene in The Big Chill
when Mary Kay Place says to William Hurt,
"Dope makes me stupid"?
I don't need dope.
Sooner or later
we all lose someone
we can't live without.
As I did.
And I found
with my heart broken and raw
my brains
apparently puddled at my feet.
And the strangest thing happened.
I found myself researching
every detail of your life I had ever known
I found myself on the Internet
and, unable to find a trace of you,
found myself instead
buying items from your hometown
a camera, because it was made there
music which was your favorite -
yearbooks from your college
which I never attended
books you had recommended
which I had yet to read,
items from an artist or photographer
because they shared your surname.
None of it brought you any closer.
And then one day,
unable still to put feelings to words
I decided in your honor
to write haiku
in Latin
Now, my Latin is rudimentary at best,
taken because
as a science major
I thought it might come in handy
which it did.
I'm not certain why --- or how
I thought writing haiku in Latin
would assuage my grief,
but my sister's immediate response was
"Isn't that sort of like trying to eat lasagna
with chopsticks?"
And I really couldn't argue.
I was searching for a way
to honor a loved one
and I had absolutely no idea
how.
But I think writing haiku in Latin
was on the right track in a way -
because the very idea would have made you laugh
and you loved to laugh.
And I know now
that the best way for me to honor you
is to laugh hard,
laugh long,
laugh often.
And love - with no reservation.
Because that would please you most.
Cedo maiori
Vixit via media
Cetera desunt*
*(I yield to a greater person
He lived the middle way
The rest is missing)
10Apr2005 1:42 PM
And I would love to hear your take in the comments.
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All words and images are my own.
The first photo is of a sailboat that had grounded itself, which I took from the grounds of the Marie Selby Botanical Gardens in Sarasota, Florida, when visiting there with Marek's sister Malwina, who was visiting from Poland. I took this photo with one f my Canon PowerShot cameras, but I am not certain which model.
As a sailor myself, my guess is that the owner of the sailboat didn't set the anchor/s properly, and that, as the previous night had been windy, the boat had probably dragged its anchor across the bottom until it came to rest as you see it in the photo. From our perspective, the boat appeared to be undamaged, but obviously we could see only its starboard side. Hopefully they righted the boat quickly and kept any damage to a minimum.
The photo of our dog, Lolo, and our late cat, Miod, I took as they were cooperatively begging at the dinner table, despite our longstanding rule of not feeding them from the table.
You can see how much that deterred them both.
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