'I wanted to say something.. erm.. I don't know how to put it into words.. I feel like.. I think I am.. I wanted to say that.. I shouldn't have done that.. I am.. ermm... I am sorry...'
I have never really choked when apologizing to someone, but yeah sometimes it is difficult to really bring yourself to apologizing to someone. As a child, I never really had any problem with apologizing to someone. In fact, I found it something quite easy to do. If I did make a mistake, hurt someone, was rude to someone (mostly my mother) or did anything wrong, I would quickly go apologize to the person I had wronged as soon as I realized my mistake and most of the time, it took me about 10 minutes at the most to realize my wrongdoing. So as a child, I would easily apologize for my mistakes and never really felt bad on saying sorry to someone either. Often, I used to apologize to people even when I wasn't at any fault. It took me sometime to realize that unhealthy behavior and realized it was because of my inability to set healthy boundaries in my relationships which I took care of with time. However, with time, I started having issues with this word.
The Scenario Now
While I never had any qualms about sayign a simple sorry to people before, few years back I started having quite a trouble with accepting my mistakes and apolpgizing for them. If I was rude to someone, mostly my husband at that time, I wouldn't accept my mistake and would find it quite difficult to utter the 5 letter S word. Yes, I had started calling it the 'S word' in my head at that time and would have quite a fight inside me every time I had to bring myself to apologize to someone.
Every time I had to apologize to someone, mostly my husband at that time because I had become so rude and difficult to deal with, I used to have the following dialogue with my sensible self in my head.
My irrational self: 'Why should I say sorry to him?'
Sensible side: Because you misbehaved to him for no apparent reason.
My irrational self: 'It is not my fault that I was rude to him (my husband). I was tired because I have to work all the time because he doesn't earn much so it is basically his fault that I was rude to him. He should understand that not me. I am not saying sorry to him.
Sensible side: Oh c'mon what's wrong with you? He just asked you to make him a glass of juice. If you were busy, you should have poltiely told him to do it himself. There was no need of the unnecessary banter.
My irrational self: What about when he is rude for no reason? I can be like that too. He needs to know not to mess with me. He needs to treat me equally.
Sensible side: Is it really you saying that? Why don;t you just analyze your behavior the past few months and then tell me who actually triggered him to be rude? Just ponder on it for sometime.
Thankfully, I was sane enough even at that time to say such rational things to my crazy side and calm it down. Every time my sensible side asked me to analyze my behavior, I somehow used to be quiet but didn't apologize for my mistake even then. I had somehow grown very obstinate and ridiculously egoistic at that time. I don't think respecting yourself is bad at all. In fact, it is important to have self-respect, be opinionated and even fight for what you believe in and should not budge from a stance when you know you are right. But I also feel that being egoistic for no reason and not accepting your mistake when you know you are at fault isn't a healthy attitude to live a good life.
When I started analyzing my behavior for real and wanted to save my marriage, I realized that the reason I had trouble accepting my mistakes was because I had started to think too high of myself. I felt I was some sort of super-woman who was the only one going through a hard time in her life and who was superior to her husband because she was earning more than him and because she was a doer and wasn't scared of taking challenges. I mean I think it is important to appreciate yourself for your hard work and be proud of yourself, but if you do let your competencies and little to big achievements get to your head, you can turn into swollen head and at that time, I had definitely become too full of myself and that was poisoning my behavior.
I have observed the same problem with a few other people too. I love reading people and analyzing them through their gestures, body language and speech. So when I identified my problem, I began observing others to figure out why others have problem apologizing to others and accepting their mistake and in most of the people I observed, I found out that it was because they thought too high of themselves. I know of a person who never apologizes to those younger than him or those who have a lower social strata than him because he thinks he is wiser, better and more competent than them. There is one woman I know of who never accepts her mistakes too because of the same reason.
Of course there can be other reasons behind the inability to accept and realize your mistakes and have the courage to apologize to someone, but from what I have observed, mostly it is because you start thinking that you are only right and good enough. Back to my story, I wanted to save my marriage and was sick and tired of being an ass to people so I knew I had to correct my behavior. For that, I started staying quiet more and analyzing my own behavior. That was such a difficult thing to do- to stay quiet and just focus on improving yourself first, but I knew I had to do it. It took me about 3 to 4 months to turn to a rational being who did not have much trouble apologizing for her mistakes, but finally I was able to achieve that goal.
It was hard, really hard but I did that by becoming more aware of my behavior and by slowly correcting it. Nothing becomes wrong or takes an undesirable turn overnight. You do something little every day to make a situation worse. However, when you are in a mess, you expect to improve on it instantly and when the issue does not resolve fast enough, you give up on yourself and lose hope. I knew I had become a monster from within over 2 years so if I had to go back to being a sane, nice person, I had to go slow so I stayed steady. I gave myself time and stayed patient with myself and started taking more accountability of my decisions. Seriously, taking accountability of your decisions is one thing that makes life really easy for you. Once I started doing that, I stopped blaming my husband for everything and became more responsible and sensible and that helped me easily realize my mistakes.
Now I no longer have a problem apologizing for my mistakes and I am really happy to be that way. I do not like to hurt people, but I am only human so I don't get too harsh with myself if I sometimes end up hurting a loved one. But when I do that, I make sure to apologize him/ her. What's your take on the subject? Looking forward to lots of responses from all of you. Thank you for all your love and support.
Love and light,
Sharoon.
I am running a writing contest with 5SBD up for grabs for the winner so if any of you would like to participate in it, click on the following link:
Shary's Writing Prompt Contest #1
Here are some of my article that may interest you:
Confessions of a People Pleaser...
To Sleep or Not to Sleep, that is the Question....
Parents- Guiding Lights or Dictators?
One Smile and a Deep Breath to Quickly Fight Stress
Why I am Grateful for My Hardships...
Why Do We Attach Unnecessary Meaning to Everything??
Why is it Okay to Be a Little Selfish, Focus on Your Needs and Communicate them to Loved Ones
Batman & Jesus: Why do we fear debate?
My Scar Stories- Reminders of Many Different Memories
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