Do not proceed if you are easily offended! This is satire, a parody, and not meant to be offensive—meaning it is meant to be a funny humorous post! It is not written as a serious study into Astrology, however these challenging traits are said to be associated with the subsequent signs.

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This piece was written in a fun, tongue in cheek style. Please keep that in mind if you are easily offended!

Every sign is fair game, there is no escape!

Astrologers tend to focus on the positive when telling you about your sign. All the fluffy cupcake rainbows that make you you. I decided to shake up our Saturday and do the opposite of what you're going to find in the newspaper :)

Following is a humorous look at darker side to each sign in the zodiac.

Aries

March 21-April 19

Aries’ are the most impulsive and impatient of the zodiac signs. They want more, and they better get it immediately
Their motto is “Me! Me! Me! Now! Now! Now!”
If it’s not his idea, Aries could care less.
Fittingly, Aires is the youngest sign, and can be, like, ReALLllly immature.

Taurus

April 20th-May 20th

Taurus skipped class that day in kindergarten when they taught how to share.
They are materialistic and possessive.
Really? You’re really going to try to argue with stubborn Taurus and expect them to budge- even when wrong?
Good luck trying to get self indulgent Taurus off the couch.

Gemini

May 21st-June 20th

You never know which personality you’re going to get next
Gemini love to hear themselves talk. When they go off on a subject, no use trying to get a word in.
Commit? Ha! Naked Escape room! Open Mic night in the ghetto! Pottery making at the old folks center! Voice command light bedroom disco ball! Gemini are the most manic of signs.

Cancer

June 21st-July 22nd

Crab is Cancer’s symbol for good reason. The curmudgeon is strong with this one.
It takes months of gentle and tentative coaxing to lead cautious Cancer out of their comfort zone.
Oversensitive! Call them what they are and be prepared with two boxes of tissues and a shield. Cancers are likely offended by this article.

Leo

July 23rd-August 22nd

Is that a mirror in your pocket, or- of course it's a mirror if it's a leo. Leo does not simply look in the mirror, Leo preens. And there is no mirror or reflective surface they don’t adore.
Look up both "vain" and "adoration entitled" and you will see Leo's picture in the description.
Beware the Leo charm. If they want something from you they usually get it.
Do you believe all of reality revolves around Leo? Because Leo certainly does. And Leo is never wrong.

Virgo

August 23rd-September 22nd

Judge, Jury, and executioner. Proceed with caution.
Perfectionism is too soft a word, Virgo cannot even register you are speaking if there’s something out of order in the room. Detail oriented down to each and every adverb you utter.
When a Virgo feels a little blue, pack your bug out bag because the world is ending.

Libra

September 23rd-October 22nd

If you treat a Libra to dinner take a nap first, because it’ll be breakfast by the time they weigh every single option.
Libra abandons their own moral and values to keep everyone happy and content.
Libras obsession with beauty means obscene amounts of time primping and beautifying.

Scorpio

October 23rd-November 21st

If you cross a Scorpio just walk away from your life and start fresh in Mexico.
Your sanity mental health will be seriously challenged by Scorpios powers of manipulation
There is no bad mood for Scorpio. It is an endless downward spiral of despair and darkness.

Sagittarius

November 22nd-December 21st

No filter- Honest and blunt to a fault, Sagittarius becomes hurtful and tacktless.
The term “know it all” was invented by Sagittarius to describe themselves.
Sagittarius is bored when not constantly stimulated by you with adventure and the exciting and new.

Capricorn

December 22nd-January 19th

Capricorns are physically incapable of “going with the flow” and “dropping it”.
If it benefits them Capricorn won’t think twice about using you.
Negativity breeds copious amounts of negativity. A mere mention of your frustrating day becomes a horrific rant about every wrong thing that has ever happened to them in their lives.

Aquarius

January 20th-February 18th

Aquarians fancy themselves as logical and objective. The rest of us call it Judgy McJudgeface.
They have so much stuff going on in their heads that they come off as formal and detached.
So quick to offer advice Aquarians miss the entire thing you’re trying to say.

Pisces

February 19th-March 20th

Their just go with it lifestyle simply looks like a terrible lack of focus and direction.
Aloof and spacey, Pisces tend to not even realize others have needs.
They are surprisingly gullible for supposedly being the oldest and wisest of signs.

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We each have our good and bad traits, even a Leo like me can admit it ;)

Share any negative traits I missed in the comments below :)