It is normal for couples to go through different crises over the years, such as those that may arise accompanying certain events: going to live together, the arrival of children, the independence of children, etc. All these situations put the couple to the test, but they are normative crises. That is, over the years it is expected that these crises will occur and also that in most cases they will be overcome.
However, there is a situation that is not normative (it does not have to happen) and that causes a deep crisis: infidelity. An infidelity supposes the breakdown of trust, when it is an essential element for a relationship to work. Being a situation that usually marks a before and after or just before and there is no after, we will try to identify how and under what conditions you can build a partner after an infidelity.
There different types of infidelity?
If they exist. Although we culturally share ideas about what an infidelity is, each person has a limit to where the behaviors that are considered "infidels" begin. Practically 99% of the population considers that sexual and intimate contact with a third person is an infidelity, however, there is no such broad agreement when referring to other situations such as:
- Chat with another person with an intimate or erotic tone.
- Use pornography
- Stay with a former partner in secret (without the current couple know).
- Flirt or flirt with another person.
All these situations mentioned above are considered infidelity by some people, but not by others. Almost all of us understand the case of sexual contact with a third party as infidelity, but we do not share opinions as in the case of using pornography or "fooling around" with another person.
It is very important to keep in mind that each person comes to the couple with their ideas about infidelity and its own limits on where it starts and ends. When members of the couple do not have the same ideas, there are often episodes of jealousy and conflicts often around this issue, and if an infidelity arises the couple will take a long time to consider if it is worth reconstructing the couple because there is no common point of view.
How does infidelity affect the couple
Infidelity is a situation that can cause a major crisis in the couple, always referring to a "traditional" or monogamous couple, where relationships and intimate contact with third parties is not allowed. That is, we are not referring to couples who practice polyamory.
"Love is so short and forgetting is so long"
-Pablo Neruda-
When an infidelity arises it is as if a tornado passed through the couple, many aspects of that link disappear and some are broken. The greatest negative impact is caused by the deception itself, rather than by how far infidelity has reached on a sexual and physical level. Confidence disintegrates, the feeling of being a team disappears and the image we have of our partner changes.
What depends on overcoming infidelity
Overcoming an infidelity depends on the personal values of each of the parties. It can be said that before it happens it is already decided whether it will be overcome or not. If it is someone with a resentful personality base, who has a hard time forgetting and forgiving, with very traditional ideas about how a couple has to be, it will be very difficult to overcome infidelity. Because this situation absolutely breaks all his schemes of what a couple is and rebuilding them again is a very difficult task and goes against their most ingrained ideals.
On the other hand, for those who have already suffered infidelity in the past it can be much more difficult to forgive the deception. Because new infidelity removes the feelings and pain of the past, and thus, by an effect of emotional contagion, the current situation becomes even more terrible and catastrophic. While for those who have committed an infidelity may be easier because they can get to put themselves in the place of those who are unfaithful and better understand the causes that led him to commit infidelity.
That is, if you have been unfaithful at some time, it may be easier to empathize with who has "us" been unfaithful. In this context, overcoming an infidelity can be easier and it is not an impossible challenge, especially if it deals with a specific infidelity that has not spread over time. Because punctual infidelities (once) are more easily forgiven than those that extend in time (several encounters, repeated times).
Likewise, the importance given to sexual relations is a key aspect for overcoming infidelity. When a person who understands sexuality as an act especially linked to affection and trust is the victim of infidelity, this is a case in which it will be especially difficult to overcome the deception. Because even if this person wants to forgive infidelity and rebuild his partner, his heart will not allow it or he will make it very difficult for him.
"There are loves so beautiful that they justify all the madness they make"
-Plutarch-
Although much progress has been made in gender equality and sexuality, there is still a popular belief that men are more likely to be unfaithful than women. This is false and there is no difference between the ease with which men and women overcome a couple crisis for infidelity. The personality and the values of each one influence more than the gender of a person.
How to rebuild the couple after infidelity?
First, take a distance for a few days. Separating momentarily to be able to put aside the most negative and strong emotions is better than giving free rein to everything that you feel. You can act moved by revenge and then you will regret it.
Secondly, avoid asking for details about how it has been, with whom it has been, where, in what way, etc. Every piece of information you know about infidelity is first quality material so you can make your "film" about what happened. And also, it does not allow you to turn the page. Knowing the details will not make you feel better.
Dive into the depths of your being and think if you really will be able to live with what happened. Forget the formalities and obligations that bind you (floor, children, work, family), you have to be honest with yourself and find out if you really want to move forward.
Finally remember, if you feel lost ask for professional help. Avoid asking advice to everyone. Friends, neighbors and relatives do not have the ability of a psychologist to discover what is best for you in your situation, with your personality and your values. The psychologist will not overprotect you, nor will you judge yourself or your partner and above all will share with you the experience of having helped in several similar cases.